i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.
i must focus.
but, really, i can do this.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
...lost in the world...
i want to have a family. a good one. one who won't look down on every action i do and actually know what i've been through.
those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.
there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.
if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.
but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.
but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.
i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.
ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.
i just hope not any time soon.... :/
those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.
there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.
if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.
but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.
but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.
i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.
ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.
i just hope not any time soon.... :/
Sunday, November 21, 2010
yes. i'm still alive.
yes i'm still alive.
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.
yes i'm a terrible child....
a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.
...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.
yes i'm a terrible child....
a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.
...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?
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