rain rain go away

yesterday definitely hit the top 10 in worst days of my life.

i spent 14 hours working the jones county fair in monticello. 14 hours is the longest i've been there in over a year. i now remember why.

the small town drama, the nosy people, the dirty looks i got all made me wonder if being paid to be there was even worth it.

i came back to dubuque only to find my room with two inches of water in it.

my douche bag brother had informed me it was flooding, but you know, i thought 12 hours would give him some time to actually try and clean it out. it is his house you know. i am paying rent.

i had no where to sleep last night. he decided that he had priority over me on the couch to watch the hangover full blast at 11 p.m.

i was just tired. i just wanted a little sleep.

we argued.

he called me a fat, ugly, lazy bitch.

it's like he's in high school all over again.

i slept in my car last night.

alone.

i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.

he wants to have a party.

i wish my 'friends' had time for me.

i want actions, not just words.

i want you to show me you care, not just say it.

i want you to show me that i am more than just some fat, ugly, lazy bitch my brother says i am.

i just want to be treated like a real person.

i just want a home.

i just want to be loved.

why last night even happened

well. i found out why you didn't want to see me when you were still up late. strang spent the night.
cool.

glad you could fit five seconds of me into your schedule last night around her.
sweet.

and don't you dare every try to tell me again you miss me as much as i miss you.

i would NEVER use me being 'tired' as an excuse not to see you when there is another person who is obviously more important to me i am spending time with. not that there is anyone more important to me...

and i would NEVER blow you off.

you know i NEED you right now.

you are hurting me so much.

i feel like i am mere dirt to you and my existence and need to see you only disgusts you more.

i am so inadequate.

i guess there's a difference between how much i care and how much you care and the rift is only growing deeper...the knife you are pushing down in my back when you know i need you is only sinking deeper...

we are all going deeper, deeper...

do you even care if you hurt me?

last night i went to iowa city, hoping to see some friends. i always know that if i'm going to iowa city, i have to find a way to solidify plans because i don't want to end up driving for nothing. one of my very best college friends, bex, and i met up around 8:30 p.m. when i got there and started driving around, talking and listening to music. it's what we do.

the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.

okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.

it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.

12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.

do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?

or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?

i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...

my meaning in your life

you are my best friend. i'd do anything for you: drive 100 miles to iowa city, pay you a million dollars, jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building...anything. you are the nicest person i know, i mean after all, not many can tolerate me.

i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.

but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.

you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.

and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.

i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.

when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?

the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.

i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.

until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--

introductions are in order

i've tried writing a blog before. i never know what to say.

so here goes attempt number 3.

i feel like i've written past blogs in the hope that people can read them and see my real thoughts that go chasing through my head on their own, rather than me spilling my guts via text or on the phone on a daily basis. but i don't know how to say all the things i want to say and then be like here, check it out. that would be awkward. i am awkward. okay let's step back and i'll paint the picture of my life to you.

i grew up in a small town. i was a big personality in a small town. i worked hard, was involved in a lot of clubs and such, and did well in school. i'm a pretty smart kid you could say.

i didn't really have a lot of friends in my town. i wasn't pretty enough to be a prep, or selected to be in the tier 2 faction of the preps that was for the semi preps. i wasn't a gothic kid, that wasn't my thing. i was just me. and the only me that seemed acceptable to society was the loud mouth, the sarcastic one, the one who always pushed substitutes to their limit but in a very skilled and tactical way that would allow me to get away with it.

i liked people laughing at the things i did. if i made them laugh, it was kind of like they like me right? i guess you could say maybe, but at the end of the day, i would go home, alone. no friends would call me and ask me to hang out. i did a lot of me things because no one else wanted to do with me. and despite the fact that, looking back now, i hated that school, at the same time i loved it because being there, when people would laugh, the laughter toned out all of the bullying from upperclassmen and the things going on in my life none of those people could ever imagine.

when high school ended, i ran out of that joint. ran from the bullies, ran from all of those people who i had lived a lie in front of for 12 years.

i'm in college now. i'm a year escaped from that place. i have a few friends now you could say. a few really good friends, the ones who are just content with driving around in a car, talking about life, listening to music. and a few who i feel like i can never please.

i'm about to leave the college i went to and these people i met last year for long island, new york.

things are really starting to change.

relationships are already beginning to evaporate.

i realize i'm leaving here without really getting to spend the amount of time i'd like with a few of my friends because they never could find time for me.

in the next month, everything i've gotten to know this past year in the first real home i ever had is all beginning to shatter and fly out into the universe in a million tiny pieces in all directions.

and sometimes, i just feel like i'm along for the ride.