when i first started working out, i used to write my weight in permanent marker on my stomach as a reminder. a reminder that right now, it may be permanent and may be something i want to change, but i have to keep at it and every day it will get better. every day i choose my own destiny. every day i make the decisions that will decide what tomorrow will be like.

what have i done today to make me feel proud?

The goal.

i've lost 40 pounds since thanksgiving. i cannot give this up. i cannot cave. i can do this. i can do this. if i can't have my friends from the midwest now that i'm back in new york, at least maybe i can have this and focus on this.

what have you done today to make yourself feel proud?

As long as you're happy...

I'll do whatever it takes. I'll cheer from the shadows, be there at your first need and never let you down again.

I messed up.
I know that.
I'm sorry.

I wish I could explain myself, never mess up again.
You don't deserve a selfish friend like me.

I'll do whatever it takes to see you happy...even if it means losing you as my very best friend...as long as you're happy, I'm happy.

My Promise.

This is a promise. A promise I am making between me and my body. A promise that will not only take me to my goals, but bring me to a healthier future. If I keep this promise, I know I will be healthier, happier and live a better life.

This is what I promise.

I promise to eat foods that reflect how I feel about my body and how I would like it to feel. If I eat trash, I will only feel like trash. I do not want to feel like trash, for I know I am worth more that trash. Eating healthy reflects the value I see in myself. I will treat my body with the utmost respect.

I promise to eat in a quantity that reflects a healthy living lifestyle. No more secret trips to the drive thru, pizza orders at 1 a.m. or entire bags of greasy chips in one sitting. I am worth more than that. I will eat the suggested serving size of everything I deem good enough to enter my body.

I promise not to drink away my calories every day. No more ‘gigantor beverages’ filled to the brim with hundreds of empty calories I don’t need. Water is my best friend. Water is the most important liquid to enter my body and is necessary to continue life functions. Soda is officially a no-no.

I promise to exercise my body as often as I can. By not exercising, I am only showing I don’t respect my body and my life. I want to give my body ample conditions to function in with ample fuel supplying it. Again, I want to respect my body and make sure it doesn’t have to work overtime in day to day activities.

I promise to stick to my goals, whether it be in the gym during a workout or when going out to dinner. I will never compromise my goals in fear of others’ judgments. No lapsing in diet routine and binging on a pizza. I am worth more than that. If I want to be treated nicely by others, I must treat my body the same way. I cannot just expect to not follow my diet or exercise plan and see results.

Changes take work.

I promise to work.

I promise to work hard.

I know this journey will not be easy and that there will be many temptations along the way, but one thing I must do every day to steer away from quitting or giving up is to ask myself, ‘Is what I’m about to do going to make me feel proud of myself?’
With everything I do, I want to be proud. Being proud of myself, proud of my body, proud of how my treat my body can only lead further success.

As each day comes to a close, I must realize the great things I have accomplished. I must ask myself, “What have I done today to make me feel proud?’ I must stay positive with my work at all times.

However, I must also understand, every day is a new day. If I mess up today, tomorrow is a new beginning, a new opportunity to challenge myself and respect myself.

If I mess up today, I will not quit.

I will not give up.

‘No day, but today.’

a goal.

i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.

i must focus.
but, really, i can do this.

...lost in the world...

i want to have a family. a good one. one who won't look down on every action i do and actually know what i've been through.

those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.

there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.

if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.

but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.

but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.

sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.

i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.

ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.

i just hope not any time soon.... :/

yes. i'm still alive.

yes i'm still alive.
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.

yes i'm a terrible child....

a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.

...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?