Empire State of Mind?

i'm in new york.

it's strange. but, i like it. but i also definitely miss my friends. (what? i have friends? excuse me??!)

part of me wants to stop seeing all of their posts on my news feed on facebook. it makes me sad i am not there.

however, i am happy about my final night in ic; about all of my goodbyes.

i was sad.

i think my friends saw me cry. that makes me happy in a strange sort of way. people need to see the real me.

mack was sad. she cried.
strike that, we cried.

i will miss her so much. and i'm unsure if i even know how to communicate that to her. she is the greatest friend i made in daum last year.

also bex and i continued our tradition of being very close friends behind closed doors. in saying that, i mean i'm unsure if mack even knows how good of friends we are or like with zo how close we have become, but we are.

i mean, we were.
before i left.

now, i am afar.

who am i?

that is for me to decide, in a world where no one knows who i am, what i've done.

i can only show who i will become.

each day, as i take on a new sun beating on my shoulders, i must take the pressure and succeed. prove i can succeed.

this is new york. i'm here. my time is now.

I am the saddest human ever.

I don't want to leave my Iowa City friends.

God damn it I am so attached.

I love Mack, Zoe, Bex, Alex, and Frances so so sooooo much.

I'm scared they are going to forget me. :(

I don't want to be forgotten. :( :(

Something terrible is happening...

I leave for New York in 12.5 days. I should be so happy.
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...

During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.

It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.

When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.

Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.

Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.

Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.

And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:

'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'

Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.

Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.

Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.

Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.

Everything.

Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.

The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.

Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.

I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...