...chuckie...

I'll never forget one of the first things I thought after I got in my second car accident over winter break.

I looked in my rearview mirror and saw blood starting to drip from my forehead, and as I got out of the car and watched it flow down the door, I thought to myself, 'I've done it. I was never physically beautiful, but my face was all I had and I just destroyed it. I am so ugly.'

Even before I got to see how bad it was or would be, I knew no one would want to look at that day in and day out, I'd be alone forever.

All day, with each stitch, the painful thought of losing the only remotely appealing thing about me set in deeper. You know you always hear people say, well at least she has a pretty face.

I don't have that anymore.

And I think about it a lot, wish a guy could look at me and just fall in love, but it won't happen. I'm damaged goods. And despite the scars telling the story of what I've been through, people still think it's okay to joke about. My life isn't a joke.

Today at work, Justin walked up to me and said 'Stop,' and I asked him why and he replied with, 'Ramon says you look like Chuckie so I wanted to see for myself.'

I liked Justin. And recently, I thought Justin may have liked me too.

But that really hurt my feelings.

I can't take back what has happened to me.

And I couldn't take back or stop Ramon calling me 'Chuckie' all morning, even after I begged him to please stop. He has no idea how much that hurt me.

I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be nicknamed after a doll with a destroyed face.

I want to be beautiful.

I'm trying to be beautiful.

I have to be beautiful to find someone to love me.

I have to find someone to look at me and want to know where these scars came from and love me for making it through instead of ridiculing me over them.

Is that someone out there?

roll with what you have...

I've lost it. All I had. I've lost the mind that I had and the intelligence that made me more than this. I am normal now. Less than normal. I forget little things, big things, who people are, names, everything. I've lost it all... and now I just have to roll with the pieces that are left.

i went on my first bike ride around campus today. it was chilly.

I wonder what it's like...

I wonder what it's like to be the rain-maker...
I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho...
I wonder what it's like to be a super hero...
...straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?


Sometimes, you may want to think how your actions affect others around you. Despite having all this power, you may want to re-evaluate the bridges you're burning. If you want to pretend I don't exist, the only thing I can offer you is a look at me in the future, when I'm past this, past you.

Karma's a bitch.

You know the thing is, I don't want to mean much.
Like now, I don't care if I mean nothing to you.

What I want is to mean something, in the end, when it's all over, when I'm gone.

I want you to see who I was on the inside, not this bitch I portray. This isn't me. I know so much better. I am so much better. I can love more than you've all ever seen, all because what I show is a selfish sarcastic bitchy attitude.

I want people to get over material things and just give everything they have to everyone. I would give anything for anyone. I just want people to live their lives and be happy and if that means giving up some of the things I have, I will. I would lay my life down for any person on this planet.

And I know I'm a bitch and people thing I wouldn't ever do that, but I would. I care about people so much. I don't want anyone to ever be unhappy. I want everyone to feel beautiful and cared about and loved. I never want anyone to be alone. I would give my life for everyone to feel like they are not alone.

Seriously.

You're all fucking perfect to me.

Now look at the person next to you and love the shit out of them, every little bit of them. You may be the smile that keeps them going, the love they need. You never know what's going in someone else's life until you take yourself out of your own and love everyone with all of your heart.

Starting over.

If I want to be successful, I need to go back to where I was, start this all over.

At one point, I had lost 54 pounds.

Now, I've only lost 40.

I need to forget all that happened.

I still weigh 250 pounds.

I want to weigh 150 pounds.

It's a good number, it's a safe number, it's an achievable number.

As of now, no more Jasmine. No more pizza. No more chips. No more sandwiches from Union. No more candy. No more money put into candy machines. No more until I am who I want to be. This is not a joke. It needs to be serious. I am serious. So mother fucking serious.

The thing about me is, all i do is win. Doubt me. I dare you.