a goal.

i can do this.
i can do this.
i can do this.

i must focus.
but, really, i can do this.

...lost in the world...

i want to have a family. a good one. one who won't look down on every action i do and actually know what i've been through.

those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.

there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.

if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.

but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.

but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.

sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.

i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.

ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.

i just hope not any time soon.... :/

yes. i'm still alive.

yes i'm still alive.
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.

yes i'm a terrible child....

a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.

...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?

day 6. hawkeye nation baby.

it's day six. i was just working at the sac. they drive me nuts. fo realz. but also i shall be watching the iowa game today...hope they win this one, we NEED to win this one.

it's parents weekend here. ej's parents are coming. she just got back from her night out. it's one in the afternoon. haha.

my parents aren't here.
good.

food consumption:

~12:00 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of pineapple/strawberry/yogurt/granola mix

~3:30 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of yogurt/granola

~8:00 p.m.
6 inch grilled portabella (spelling?) sandwich
1 bag o sun chips
get it.

day 5. mah' crew?

after the haunted house, a bunch of us went out to applebees. and when i say we i mean cindy and shayna from down the hall, chris from hall council, shayna's friends jimmy and another girl from plattsburg, barg, allen, and mike. many humans. HOWEVER, i'm still a vegetarian.


food consumption was as follows:

~12:30 a.m.
1 full portion of a granny smith/walnut/chicken salad with no chicken.

~1:00 p.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of yogurt/strawberries/pineapple/granola

~4:30 p.m.
1 halal jamaican veggie patty/wrap/pocket thing
1 side of veggie fried rice

~8:15 p.m.
1 banana

9:45 p.m.
1 orange

oh yeah, and yesterday, during the haunted house, i had 1.5 sodas. fml.

at least i'm still a veggie!


in other side notes:::

i'm so proud of my best friend mack from the good ol' daum-in-8 who is applying to F.I.T.! :) she's the bestest and sooooo daim talented, fo realz :)

also, i want to eat every meal and be full when i'm done, and it feels like lately i have been full on smaller amounts of food. maybe veggies are messing me up in a good way. :)

CCXCII

day 4. strange emotions.

i'm through with all this stupid friend bull shit. be good to me. for once. come on. go above and beyond, just once...well at least one can hope?

daily consumption log for day 4:

~9:15 a.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/yogurt/granola/pineapple mix

~1:00 p.m.
1 orange

~4:00 p.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/yogurt/granola/pineapple mix
1/2 cup of vegetarian chili

also, i have 1 orange and 1 banana i took from the sac...maybe i'll eat them later. or tomorrow...
you know what i do...

the haunted house was great, except i'm stained in blood...haha greeeat. i ate approx 6 fudge striped cookies. daim. and had some pretzel sticks...not so bad i guess...?

day 3. if i was the last girl and you were the last boy, maybe then you'd look, maybe then you'd love me.

all i can think about are the things i am going to consume next.

today's consumption

~9:00 a.m.
1 regular bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/ pineapple/ yogurt/ granola mix

i've realized this fruity mix on a bagel makes them almost tolerable.

~11:30 a.m.
1 gigantor salad consisting of lettuce, honeydew melon, cantaloupe, pineapple, grapes and mandarin oranges...so basically a fruit salad with lettuce. but it was gigantor.

~2:00 p.m.
1 'protein powerbar'. i just wanna make sure i get some protein somehow. lol.

~6:00 p.m.
1 regular bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/pineapple/yogurt/granola
1 side of potatoes. in the mashed form. there were a lot. i ate them all.

~7:00 p.m.
1 package of starbursts.

the starbursts were a bad idea. i'm so full i'm gonna vomit. which is strange because i don't think i've consumed a lot of food this afternoon. i mean, i was hungry when i went to get dinner...?

hmpf. i don't know why i keep getting bagels and fruit/yogurt. they are easy to get in the mess of humans in the sac and also take a while to consume so i don't think about food as much because it's making me content while i eat it. happier for longer. that's grood.

i wonder if normal humans think this much about food. i feel like i'm consumed by it! ahhhh!!

however... thinking back, i can remember few times when a normal dinner has made me vomitrocioiusly full. maybe that's my problem. my stomach was/is too big. or maybe i never stopped to think if i was full or not, i just ate to epic proportions and wanted to vomit. now it can only fit a salad or a bagel+fruit/yogurt. convenience at it's best.

i am a control freak...that is my problem. if i cannot control life, i can still inhale as much food as i want. someone needs to start reading this blog to hold me to the standard of being a vegetarian/being a good human in general.

i also need a scale to monitor if this vegetarian-ness is making me a smaller human. haha yes me, a scale. however, i cannot let it control me, but rather, show me the difference i am making just as it's happening. great....i hope. i just purchased one on walmart.com for $26. i NEEDED the overnight shipping. hopefully it will make it by friday. hopefully the numbers on it won't make me cry with disgust...

...i don't know.

i wish i were a baby human.