I miss you.

Sometimes, I want to write a letter to you and send it. My thoughts, everyday.

I miss you so much. You were my best friend. The closest friend I've ever had. The closest friend I've ever had that hasn't been a gay guy. It took 18 years, but you were it: the best friend I've ever had.

Sad, but true.

I don't know what I would have done without you. Would I be in New York now? Would I even be alive?

Last year, there were so many dark moments. So many times I thought to myself, I am nothing, what am I doing here? Pondered, will I ever be enough to make these people happy? to end their pain?

If I could ever have one thing in this world, it would be to make you happy. And the worst part is, I feel like you're not happy because you don't see how wonderful you are, what a great daughter, friend, and person you are.

Stop, for just one moment.

Look inside of you. You get great grades, way better than I ever mustered at Iowa. You're a beautiful girl; admit it. Look at you, and love you, for me, please. I don't think you know what it's like to be someone like me. Someone who can't even lie to themselves and pretend like they can accept what they see in the mirror. I wish you could stop hurting yourself like you do, stop worrying so much about how you look to you, but rather, see what everyone else sees.

I know you not acknowledging either of these traits isn't your fault. I see the things your mom says, and I hurt for you. It pains me to see a relationship with so much potential be hindered because of ignorance. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves a family, everyone deserves to feel like what they have is enough.

I wish you could love every ounce of yourself like I love every ounce of you.

Every night you spent doing your homework and just let me lie on your bed because I needed to be with someone, needed to hide from being alone with myself. Every day when you would text me asking such a normal question like, "dindin?" Every time I asked you to go to walmart with me. Every drive I brought you along on, you, rarely turning down the invitation.

You made me feel like you knew how I was feeling, knew I needed someone. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you were just as lonely as me and just needed someone. And if that's the case, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.

You are the smartest, most caring, loving, beautiful friend I know, and yet at the same time, one of the people I hurt for the most.

And now, I'm gone.

I'm gone and I want so much for you to be happy, for you to see yourself, for you to love yourself and to be there for you, but sometimes I wonder if you want me.

Yes, I'm happy here, ever so happy, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about you, forget all of the moments I will never forget when you were there for me when I needed you most. I want to still be there. Do you want me?

What happened with Bex, it hurts me. It hurts me because she was the one I was least worried about; I thought she was getting better.

And what happened scares me. It scares me because I love and care about you so much that when you push me away, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know if things are good or bad.

I am doing so well here. I feel so good. Everything feels so right, when just one year ago, so many things felt wrong, and what I want most is for you to be happy and if you can't be happy to just let me into your life.

To be honest, I just miss you.

I wish you missed me too...