day 2. maybe being a vegetarian will make me a baby human...

it's official. i'ma be a vegetarian. till january 1st. at least.

at least, i hope.


this is gonna be one of the biggest mental challenges i've taken on. therefore, i've decided my blog is turning into my journal o' what i consume to monitor that no baby pigs or cows are harmed during the challenge. and by harmed, i obvs mean consumed.

day 2 consumption:

~3:20 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/yogurt/granola
1 bagel

~6:30 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/pineapple/yogurt
1 veggie burger with lettuce, tomato and grilled mushrooms.


i decided to put the yogurt/granola/fruit mixture on my bagel this morning. i'm not exactly a fan of bagels, but it was pretty dec.

also, dinner was strange. i've never had a veggie burger, but i wasn't up to sculpting cubes of tofu into shrimp for mack's viewing pleasure. the veggie burger tasted like something i've had before, but not exactly sure what. maybe turkey and dressing sandwiches...which is especially strange since there was no turkey in ze veg burger. eh well. it was dec.

also, the only beverage i've consumed today is water. and also i've been carrying around my water bottle i bought from ze sac. gotta love conserving the environment.


i've realized i've been thinking a lot about what i'm gonna eat next, since it has to be meat-free. is that strange? i feel like a douche.

ehh well. all for the sake of a challenge.

hm. day 1.

i think i'm gonna try and be a vegetarian.

i'm sure this won't last long.

also. i'm very concerned about winter break...perhaps i will pitch a tent in the woods here so i never have to leave/worry about winter break letting me down...

if i make it through this week...

if i make it through this week, i'll be damn surprised.

spanish exam in 11 hours

3 page paper i haven't started due in 12 hours

2 bio quizzes in 14 hours

biology mid term in 17 hours

so much damn drama.

if i make it through this week, i'm celebrating. ciroc till i die.

the mailbox.

every day, twice a day, i check my mailbox. i'm unsure what i'm looking for.

last tuesday, i got a letter from the bank thanking me for joining.

hey, at least it's something?


the ladies at the post office know who i am, by name. that's a lie. they know me as 'E. Felton.'

since arriving at stony brook, i've sent 7 packages, 8 letters, 5 postcards and two bouquets of flowers.

i was there three times friday.

they told me my friends in 'corral-ville' were lucky to have me. ha.

good thing they or no one else watches me religiously check my mailbox at 11:05 a.m. and 2:15 p.m. on the daily. that would be embarrassing.


i want to send an edible arrangement. i also want to pay the postman to pick up my friends and bring them here. that would be convenient.

hopefully they let me purchase that kind of service soon.

Comfortable with me...

since arriving in stony brook,i've decided i've changed a lot already.

in iowa, i wanted to socially make everyone happy, and it was a challenge. i had other obligations; hall council, arh, work, you know...but here, i have hall council, and i'm KILLING it. i'm hosting 5 events this semester. as a program coordinator, i'm required to do 3. guess what? i actually WANT TO DO 5! wtf okay. i think i'm on the right track to maybe (MAYBE) being an RA. that would be damn glorious.

academically, i feel like i'm doing great. maybe its because i know spanish is a guaranteed A as long as i keep working en ze SAC, but still. ugh. i'm so damn great.

also, no real humans know anything about my past here, which is glorious because i don't feel the need to tell them at all. i'll continue caring about my ic friends and doing that deal, and still rocking everything else so maybe i'll gain some respect around here! yes please!

another note, my favorite human on the face of the planet, mack, has told me she has finally found an apartment in ic and is signing the lease soon, which in itself is great for her because she needs to get out of the drama in her house and get back dt. however, the best part about it was when she asked me to come stay with her maybe over winter break! no one has ever asked me to do anything like that ever. it's like if things are going shitty for me, i a) call mike to see if demon doesn't have his couch, b) sleep in my car or c) go where the road takes me. i was planning on staying with mike so i didn't even have to address it and so also we could work on it so he can hopefully move by may, but this is way better. having friends that understand and care is way better. unsure what to do about sammy, my bro's gf, though. she's actually kind of nice sometimes, except when she gets anally clean and too uptight. overall though, this is great. i can't believe i have friend who think about me before i mention something to them. ugh yes please for being loved.

final topic of discussion that hasn't made me comfortable much or at all lately is that scotty, my ex-ish best friend from high school, is engaged with the girl he blew me off for. sweet. i can be confident in my actions and my love for my friends and how i show it but still it makes me sad/jealous to see others in love. i wish i could be loved for real for once. i mean, he screwed me over in the shittiest way after i opened up to him and now i'm unsure if i can even find love.


i've been thinking about putting out a craigslist, wutchewthink?

looking for a decent looking, funny, lovable guy who is passionate about loving a quick-witted, outspoken, overweight teenage girl and needs to be loved. weight or looks are never an issue, but more importantly are intelligence, emotional depth and understanding and the drive to love and love life.


unsure. needs work. i need work. if i had work done, i'd be wanted by more people.

god daim. so much work. it's cheaper to just do the work yourself, but sometimes, i just wanna ship it off to the shop and see what others can do to fix me.....

So the asexual thought, yeah it's over...

I am in love with my 27 year old hispanic co-worker Jose. He has 7 children with 4, perhaps 5, I forget, women. That doesn't bother me. He's DAMN sexy and also calls me 'mami' in the cutest little dominican way. However, do not fear, all dominicans, I've noticed, call everyone that.

Sometimes I wish I were actually partially dominican. First of all, I would obvs get an A in spanish without trying, not to mention they are so damn nice to each other! The SAC has basically become my second family. Who needs band when you can make money, hang out with people who are very nice to you and have no drama instead? ...not me!

I love my job. I love dominicans. I need a guy in my life. Less alone moments. More happy time.

Till then, stay gaga4gaga...

I think I may be asexual. I've decided there are a multitude of reasons this is true, but also could be just a stage in the entire coping cycle of life.

1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.

2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.

love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.

sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.

god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.

but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.

maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.

hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.

i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.