I think I may be asexual. I've decided there are a multitude of reasons this is true, but also could be just a stage in the entire coping cycle of life.

1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.

2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.

love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.

sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.

god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.

but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.

maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.

hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.

i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.