I think I may be asexual. I've decided there are a multitude of reasons this is true, but also could be just a stage in the entire coping cycle of life.

1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.

2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.

love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.

sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.

god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.

but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.

maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.

hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.

i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.

Skipping ahead...

I guess I'm not going to further in depth discuss what I've done wrong this week, it's enough for now. I'm skipping ahead, and I don't think I'm the only thing these days.

On the Island, I'm pretty sure there is going to be no capris and t-shirt weather. We went from 90s to high 60s. I don't like to be cold...but I guess I'd choose it over hot any day...

Going to school here is strange. There are strange holidays observed like Rosh Hashanananana...and therefore, I didn't have class today or tomorrow. I mean it's nice being lazy sometimes, but I'd rather test myself, start learning things, see if I can actually pull my life together and succeed.

It's weird, all week I was waiting for my roommate to go home over the weekend because I don't like having a roommate. I sometimes like to lay in my bed and thing and not have to worry about her sitting at her computer on the other side of our 'wall of hate'. Problem is, now that she's gone, it's all I do. I just lay here, missing my IC friends. Kind of pathetic actually. And god damn this body pillow, if I've said it once, I'll say it again, the thing makes me feel empty inside. Sad life.

And on that same topic, I've noticed every morning I wake up and think 'hmm who haven't I talked to in the last day or so from Iowa?' and then I text them. Who am I? Should I be forgetting everyone? Should I be putting in this much effort? I feel like beyond my usual convo with Franny that goes on forever, everyday I consciously decide who I am going to text. And the worst part? I often force myself to wait to text them because I don't want to seem like a creeper...but ugh such a strange topic.

I just want them to be my friends and not forget me!

Ah I don't know. I miss them. I wish I had friends here who knew all the things about me they know and love me and respect me for the person I am. Hm. You can't make friends overnight, that's for damn sure.

However, what is for sure is that I am making new friends. I've been spending increasing amounts of time with Cathy and Emily next door and Emily's friend Rachel that lives in Kelly.

Also, Cris and I spent all night together last night listening to Jacob's radio show from 3-6 a.m. I like Cris. He's a nice guy and pretty cute too. Sad thing though, is I'm sure he just sees me as a really good friend since I'm so lax with him after we spent so much time together on drumline with all the other guy horndogs. Oh well, it's whatever, I'd rather have his friendship more than anything.

Another strange topic that has been bothering me since I got here are the bi-sexual/lesbian girls on campus. First of all, maybe it's because I'm a girl, I have no problem with gay boys wanting to rub my back or give me a hug. They are open with their feelings and if they want to give me a hug to say hello, goodbye, or I love you, I'm chill with that because I like feeling like I'm cared about, even if they are beautiful men that I wish weren't gay. lol.

However, the girls here creep me out. I've decided that because of what I've been through, how I've been treated in the past, anyone touching me, like hugging me or leaning on me or whatever who I have not established an element of trust with is something I do not like. And I've said it before, don't touch me because:
1) I am the straightest girl I know. (even if I am tomboyish, don't like to flirt with guys, don't really think about having sex with a guy when I see him or haven't even been kissed by a sober guy.)
2) I have put up walls in my life. (because of what's happened to me, how I've not really been able to trust anyone, comfortably, I get into moods when I legit fear being touched. Call me weird, fucked up, whatever you want, I just am afraid of being hurt by anyone in my life because I feel comfortable around them.)
Part of me wants to get a giant neon sign I carry around that says 'I may be fat and wear semi-tomboyish clothes to hide it, but I'm straighter than 5th Avenue, so don't touch me.' so that these girls legit leave me alone. Also, even if we are becoming friends, like Michelle and I are, if I tell you you are creeping me out when you lean your head on my shoulder or get really close to me, I mean it. Just effing leave me alone, okay? I need my space.

Which continues on kinda into the roommate situation. I have a roommate. I never have before. And it's really bothering me because I just bloody am not comfortable living in such close proximity with someone I don't know. And on top of that, can only think of a few people I am that comfortable sleeping in the same room as. (Is it wrong most are my gay guy friends?)

Hm...maybe I get along with gay guys so much because I know that they don't want to hurt me. Maybe I know they're never going to try and rape me or threaten to kill me or abuse me for years. Maybe I stereotype that they are all missing a little bit of that alpha-male complex that makes them less threatening.

I don't know. Is it wrong that I'm always thinking about how I'm afraid of people? or how I'm always worrying about money? Is it wrong to think about how you think too much?

Or better yet, am I wrong to be missing all of these people from IC and wish they were here with me, even when I know they don't want to be?

Crash and Burn

I've messed up. Big time.

I've let you down. I've let us all down.

My conscience is killing me.

Details to come.

I'm sorry...so sorry. :(

I don't want to hurt you.

I miss you.

Sometimes, I want to write a letter to you and send it. My thoughts, everyday.

I miss you so much. You were my best friend. The closest friend I've ever had. The closest friend I've ever had that hasn't been a gay guy. It took 18 years, but you were it: the best friend I've ever had.

Sad, but true.

I don't know what I would have done without you. Would I be in New York now? Would I even be alive?

Last year, there were so many dark moments. So many times I thought to myself, I am nothing, what am I doing here? Pondered, will I ever be enough to make these people happy? to end their pain?

If I could ever have one thing in this world, it would be to make you happy. And the worst part is, I feel like you're not happy because you don't see how wonderful you are, what a great daughter, friend, and person you are.

Stop, for just one moment.

Look inside of you. You get great grades, way better than I ever mustered at Iowa. You're a beautiful girl; admit it. Look at you, and love you, for me, please. I don't think you know what it's like to be someone like me. Someone who can't even lie to themselves and pretend like they can accept what they see in the mirror. I wish you could stop hurting yourself like you do, stop worrying so much about how you look to you, but rather, see what everyone else sees.

I know you not acknowledging either of these traits isn't your fault. I see the things your mom says, and I hurt for you. It pains me to see a relationship with so much potential be hindered because of ignorance. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves a family, everyone deserves to feel like what they have is enough.

I wish you could love every ounce of yourself like I love every ounce of you.

Every night you spent doing your homework and just let me lie on your bed because I needed to be with someone, needed to hide from being alone with myself. Every day when you would text me asking such a normal question like, "dindin?" Every time I asked you to go to walmart with me. Every drive I brought you along on, you, rarely turning down the invitation.

You made me feel like you knew how I was feeling, knew I needed someone. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you were just as lonely as me and just needed someone. And if that's the case, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.

You are the smartest, most caring, loving, beautiful friend I know, and yet at the same time, one of the people I hurt for the most.

And now, I'm gone.

I'm gone and I want so much for you to be happy, for you to see yourself, for you to love yourself and to be there for you, but sometimes I wonder if you want me.

Yes, I'm happy here, ever so happy, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about you, forget all of the moments I will never forget when you were there for me when I needed you most. I want to still be there. Do you want me?

What happened with Bex, it hurts me. It hurts me because she was the one I was least worried about; I thought she was getting better.

And what happened scares me. It scares me because I love and care about you so much that when you push me away, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know if things are good or bad.

I am doing so well here. I feel so good. Everything feels so right, when just one year ago, so many things felt wrong, and what I want most is for you to be happy and if you can't be happy to just let me into your life.

To be honest, I just miss you.

I wish you missed me too...

Empire State of Mind?

i'm in new york.

it's strange. but, i like it. but i also definitely miss my friends. (what? i have friends? excuse me??!)

part of me wants to stop seeing all of their posts on my news feed on facebook. it makes me sad i am not there.

however, i am happy about my final night in ic; about all of my goodbyes.

i was sad.

i think my friends saw me cry. that makes me happy in a strange sort of way. people need to see the real me.

mack was sad. she cried.
strike that, we cried.

i will miss her so much. and i'm unsure if i even know how to communicate that to her. she is the greatest friend i made in daum last year.

also bex and i continued our tradition of being very close friends behind closed doors. in saying that, i mean i'm unsure if mack even knows how good of friends we are or like with zo how close we have become, but we are.

i mean, we were.
before i left.

now, i am afar.

who am i?

that is for me to decide, in a world where no one knows who i am, what i've done.

i can only show who i will become.

each day, as i take on a new sun beating on my shoulders, i must take the pressure and succeed. prove i can succeed.

this is new york. i'm here. my time is now.

I am the saddest human ever.

I don't want to leave my Iowa City friends.

God damn it I am so attached.

I love Mack, Zoe, Bex, Alex, and Frances so so sooooo much.

I'm scared they are going to forget me. :(

I don't want to be forgotten. :( :(

Something terrible is happening...

I leave for New York in 12.5 days. I should be so happy.
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...

During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.

It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.

When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.

Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.

Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.

Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.

And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:

'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'

Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.

Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.

Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.

Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.

Everything.

Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.

The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.

Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.

I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...