the mailbox.

every day, twice a day, i check my mailbox. i'm unsure what i'm looking for.

last tuesday, i got a letter from the bank thanking me for joining.

hey, at least it's something?


the ladies at the post office know who i am, by name. that's a lie. they know me as 'E. Felton.'

since arriving at stony brook, i've sent 7 packages, 8 letters, 5 postcards and two bouquets of flowers.

i was there three times friday.

they told me my friends in 'corral-ville' were lucky to have me. ha.

good thing they or no one else watches me religiously check my mailbox at 11:05 a.m. and 2:15 p.m. on the daily. that would be embarrassing.


i want to send an edible arrangement. i also want to pay the postman to pick up my friends and bring them here. that would be convenient.

hopefully they let me purchase that kind of service soon.

Comfortable with me...

since arriving in stony brook,i've decided i've changed a lot already.

in iowa, i wanted to socially make everyone happy, and it was a challenge. i had other obligations; hall council, arh, work, you know...but here, i have hall council, and i'm KILLING it. i'm hosting 5 events this semester. as a program coordinator, i'm required to do 3. guess what? i actually WANT TO DO 5! wtf okay. i think i'm on the right track to maybe (MAYBE) being an RA. that would be damn glorious.

academically, i feel like i'm doing great. maybe its because i know spanish is a guaranteed A as long as i keep working en ze SAC, but still. ugh. i'm so damn great.

also, no real humans know anything about my past here, which is glorious because i don't feel the need to tell them at all. i'll continue caring about my ic friends and doing that deal, and still rocking everything else so maybe i'll gain some respect around here! yes please!

another note, my favorite human on the face of the planet, mack, has told me she has finally found an apartment in ic and is signing the lease soon, which in itself is great for her because she needs to get out of the drama in her house and get back dt. however, the best part about it was when she asked me to come stay with her maybe over winter break! no one has ever asked me to do anything like that ever. it's like if things are going shitty for me, i a) call mike to see if demon doesn't have his couch, b) sleep in my car or c) go where the road takes me. i was planning on staying with mike so i didn't even have to address it and so also we could work on it so he can hopefully move by may, but this is way better. having friends that understand and care is way better. unsure what to do about sammy, my bro's gf, though. she's actually kind of nice sometimes, except when she gets anally clean and too uptight. overall though, this is great. i can't believe i have friend who think about me before i mention something to them. ugh yes please for being loved.

final topic of discussion that hasn't made me comfortable much or at all lately is that scotty, my ex-ish best friend from high school, is engaged with the girl he blew me off for. sweet. i can be confident in my actions and my love for my friends and how i show it but still it makes me sad/jealous to see others in love. i wish i could be loved for real for once. i mean, he screwed me over in the shittiest way after i opened up to him and now i'm unsure if i can even find love.


i've been thinking about putting out a craigslist, wutchewthink?

looking for a decent looking, funny, lovable guy who is passionate about loving a quick-witted, outspoken, overweight teenage girl and needs to be loved. weight or looks are never an issue, but more importantly are intelligence, emotional depth and understanding and the drive to love and love life.


unsure. needs work. i need work. if i had work done, i'd be wanted by more people.

god daim. so much work. it's cheaper to just do the work yourself, but sometimes, i just wanna ship it off to the shop and see what others can do to fix me.....

So the asexual thought, yeah it's over...

I am in love with my 27 year old hispanic co-worker Jose. He has 7 children with 4, perhaps 5, I forget, women. That doesn't bother me. He's DAMN sexy and also calls me 'mami' in the cutest little dominican way. However, do not fear, all dominicans, I've noticed, call everyone that.

Sometimes I wish I were actually partially dominican. First of all, I would obvs get an A in spanish without trying, not to mention they are so damn nice to each other! The SAC has basically become my second family. Who needs band when you can make money, hang out with people who are very nice to you and have no drama instead? ...not me!

I love my job. I love dominicans. I need a guy in my life. Less alone moments. More happy time.

Till then, stay gaga4gaga...

I think I may be asexual. I've decided there are a multitude of reasons this is true, but also could be just a stage in the entire coping cycle of life.

1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.

2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.

love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.

sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.

god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.

but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.

maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.

hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.

i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.

Skipping ahead...

I guess I'm not going to further in depth discuss what I've done wrong this week, it's enough for now. I'm skipping ahead, and I don't think I'm the only thing these days.

On the Island, I'm pretty sure there is going to be no capris and t-shirt weather. We went from 90s to high 60s. I don't like to be cold...but I guess I'd choose it over hot any day...

Going to school here is strange. There are strange holidays observed like Rosh Hashanananana...and therefore, I didn't have class today or tomorrow. I mean it's nice being lazy sometimes, but I'd rather test myself, start learning things, see if I can actually pull my life together and succeed.

It's weird, all week I was waiting for my roommate to go home over the weekend because I don't like having a roommate. I sometimes like to lay in my bed and thing and not have to worry about her sitting at her computer on the other side of our 'wall of hate'. Problem is, now that she's gone, it's all I do. I just lay here, missing my IC friends. Kind of pathetic actually. And god damn this body pillow, if I've said it once, I'll say it again, the thing makes me feel empty inside. Sad life.

And on that same topic, I've noticed every morning I wake up and think 'hmm who haven't I talked to in the last day or so from Iowa?' and then I text them. Who am I? Should I be forgetting everyone? Should I be putting in this much effort? I feel like beyond my usual convo with Franny that goes on forever, everyday I consciously decide who I am going to text. And the worst part? I often force myself to wait to text them because I don't want to seem like a creeper...but ugh such a strange topic.

I just want them to be my friends and not forget me!

Ah I don't know. I miss them. I wish I had friends here who knew all the things about me they know and love me and respect me for the person I am. Hm. You can't make friends overnight, that's for damn sure.

However, what is for sure is that I am making new friends. I've been spending increasing amounts of time with Cathy and Emily next door and Emily's friend Rachel that lives in Kelly.

Also, Cris and I spent all night together last night listening to Jacob's radio show from 3-6 a.m. I like Cris. He's a nice guy and pretty cute too. Sad thing though, is I'm sure he just sees me as a really good friend since I'm so lax with him after we spent so much time together on drumline with all the other guy horndogs. Oh well, it's whatever, I'd rather have his friendship more than anything.

Another strange topic that has been bothering me since I got here are the bi-sexual/lesbian girls on campus. First of all, maybe it's because I'm a girl, I have no problem with gay boys wanting to rub my back or give me a hug. They are open with their feelings and if they want to give me a hug to say hello, goodbye, or I love you, I'm chill with that because I like feeling like I'm cared about, even if they are beautiful men that I wish weren't gay. lol.

However, the girls here creep me out. I've decided that because of what I've been through, how I've been treated in the past, anyone touching me, like hugging me or leaning on me or whatever who I have not established an element of trust with is something I do not like. And I've said it before, don't touch me because:
1) I am the straightest girl I know. (even if I am tomboyish, don't like to flirt with guys, don't really think about having sex with a guy when I see him or haven't even been kissed by a sober guy.)
2) I have put up walls in my life. (because of what's happened to me, how I've not really been able to trust anyone, comfortably, I get into moods when I legit fear being touched. Call me weird, fucked up, whatever you want, I just am afraid of being hurt by anyone in my life because I feel comfortable around them.)
Part of me wants to get a giant neon sign I carry around that says 'I may be fat and wear semi-tomboyish clothes to hide it, but I'm straighter than 5th Avenue, so don't touch me.' so that these girls legit leave me alone. Also, even if we are becoming friends, like Michelle and I are, if I tell you you are creeping me out when you lean your head on my shoulder or get really close to me, I mean it. Just effing leave me alone, okay? I need my space.

Which continues on kinda into the roommate situation. I have a roommate. I never have before. And it's really bothering me because I just bloody am not comfortable living in such close proximity with someone I don't know. And on top of that, can only think of a few people I am that comfortable sleeping in the same room as. (Is it wrong most are my gay guy friends?)

Hm...maybe I get along with gay guys so much because I know that they don't want to hurt me. Maybe I know they're never going to try and rape me or threaten to kill me or abuse me for years. Maybe I stereotype that they are all missing a little bit of that alpha-male complex that makes them less threatening.

I don't know. Is it wrong that I'm always thinking about how I'm afraid of people? or how I'm always worrying about money? Is it wrong to think about how you think too much?

Or better yet, am I wrong to be missing all of these people from IC and wish they were here with me, even when I know they don't want to be?

Crash and Burn

I've messed up. Big time.

I've let you down. I've let us all down.

My conscience is killing me.

Details to come.

I'm sorry...so sorry. :(

I don't want to hurt you.

I miss you.

Sometimes, I want to write a letter to you and send it. My thoughts, everyday.

I miss you so much. You were my best friend. The closest friend I've ever had. The closest friend I've ever had that hasn't been a gay guy. It took 18 years, but you were it: the best friend I've ever had.

Sad, but true.

I don't know what I would have done without you. Would I be in New York now? Would I even be alive?

Last year, there were so many dark moments. So many times I thought to myself, I am nothing, what am I doing here? Pondered, will I ever be enough to make these people happy? to end their pain?

If I could ever have one thing in this world, it would be to make you happy. And the worst part is, I feel like you're not happy because you don't see how wonderful you are, what a great daughter, friend, and person you are.

Stop, for just one moment.

Look inside of you. You get great grades, way better than I ever mustered at Iowa. You're a beautiful girl; admit it. Look at you, and love you, for me, please. I don't think you know what it's like to be someone like me. Someone who can't even lie to themselves and pretend like they can accept what they see in the mirror. I wish you could stop hurting yourself like you do, stop worrying so much about how you look to you, but rather, see what everyone else sees.

I know you not acknowledging either of these traits isn't your fault. I see the things your mom says, and I hurt for you. It pains me to see a relationship with so much potential be hindered because of ignorance. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves a family, everyone deserves to feel like what they have is enough.

I wish you could love every ounce of yourself like I love every ounce of you.

Every night you spent doing your homework and just let me lie on your bed because I needed to be with someone, needed to hide from being alone with myself. Every day when you would text me asking such a normal question like, "dindin?" Every time I asked you to go to walmart with me. Every drive I brought you along on, you, rarely turning down the invitation.

You made me feel like you knew how I was feeling, knew I needed someone. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you were just as lonely as me and just needed someone. And if that's the case, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.

You are the smartest, most caring, loving, beautiful friend I know, and yet at the same time, one of the people I hurt for the most.

And now, I'm gone.

I'm gone and I want so much for you to be happy, for you to see yourself, for you to love yourself and to be there for you, but sometimes I wonder if you want me.

Yes, I'm happy here, ever so happy, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about you, forget all of the moments I will never forget when you were there for me when I needed you most. I want to still be there. Do you want me?

What happened with Bex, it hurts me. It hurts me because she was the one I was least worried about; I thought she was getting better.

And what happened scares me. It scares me because I love and care about you so much that when you push me away, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know if things are good or bad.

I am doing so well here. I feel so good. Everything feels so right, when just one year ago, so many things felt wrong, and what I want most is for you to be happy and if you can't be happy to just let me into your life.

To be honest, I just miss you.

I wish you missed me too...