introductions are in order

i've tried writing a blog before. i never know what to say.

so here goes attempt number 3.

i feel like i've written past blogs in the hope that people can read them and see my real thoughts that go chasing through my head on their own, rather than me spilling my guts via text or on the phone on a daily basis. but i don't know how to say all the things i want to say and then be like here, check it out. that would be awkward. i am awkward. okay let's step back and i'll paint the picture of my life to you.

i grew up in a small town. i was a big personality in a small town. i worked hard, was involved in a lot of clubs and such, and did well in school. i'm a pretty smart kid you could say.

i didn't really have a lot of friends in my town. i wasn't pretty enough to be a prep, or selected to be in the tier 2 faction of the preps that was for the semi preps. i wasn't a gothic kid, that wasn't my thing. i was just me. and the only me that seemed acceptable to society was the loud mouth, the sarcastic one, the one who always pushed substitutes to their limit but in a very skilled and tactical way that would allow me to get away with it.

i liked people laughing at the things i did. if i made them laugh, it was kind of like they like me right? i guess you could say maybe, but at the end of the day, i would go home, alone. no friends would call me and ask me to hang out. i did a lot of me things because no one else wanted to do with me. and despite the fact that, looking back now, i hated that school, at the same time i loved it because being there, when people would laugh, the laughter toned out all of the bullying from upperclassmen and the things going on in my life none of those people could ever imagine.

when high school ended, i ran out of that joint. ran from the bullies, ran from all of those people who i had lived a lie in front of for 12 years.

i'm in college now. i'm a year escaped from that place. i have a few friends now you could say. a few really good friends, the ones who are just content with driving around in a car, talking about life, listening to music. and a few who i feel like i can never please.

i'm about to leave the college i went to and these people i met last year for long island, new york.

things are really starting to change.

relationships are already beginning to evaporate.

i realize i'm leaving here without really getting to spend the amount of time i'd like with a few of my friends because they never could find time for me.

in the next month, everything i've gotten to know this past year in the first real home i ever had is all beginning to shatter and fly out into the universe in a million tiny pieces in all directions.

and sometimes, i just feel like i'm along for the ride.