you are my best friend. i'd do anything for you: drive 100 miles to iowa city, pay you a million dollars, jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building...anything. you are the nicest person i know, i mean after all, not many can tolerate me.
i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.
but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.
you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.
and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.
i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.
when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?
the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.
i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.
until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--
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