do you even care if you hurt me?

last night i went to iowa city, hoping to see some friends. i always know that if i'm going to iowa city, i have to find a way to solidify plans because i don't want to end up driving for nothing. one of my very best college friends, bex, and i met up around 8:30 p.m. when i got there and started driving around, talking and listening to music. it's what we do.

the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.

okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.

it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.

12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.

do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?

or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?

i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...