i'm in new york.
it's strange. but, i like it. but i also definitely miss my friends. (what? i have friends? excuse me??!)
part of me wants to stop seeing all of their posts on my news feed on facebook. it makes me sad i am not there.
however, i am happy about my final night in ic; about all of my goodbyes.
i was sad.
i think my friends saw me cry. that makes me happy in a strange sort of way. people need to see the real me.
mack was sad. she cried.
strike that, we cried.
i will miss her so much. and i'm unsure if i even know how to communicate that to her. she is the greatest friend i made in daum last year.
also bex and i continued our tradition of being very close friends behind closed doors. in saying that, i mean i'm unsure if mack even knows how good of friends we are or like with zo how close we have become, but we are.
i mean, we were.
before i left.
now, i am afar.
who am i?
that is for me to decide, in a world where no one knows who i am, what i've done.
i can only show who i will become.
each day, as i take on a new sun beating on my shoulders, i must take the pressure and succeed. prove i can succeed.
this is new york. i'm here. my time is now.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Something terrible is happening...
I leave for New York in 12.5 days. I should be so happy.
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...
During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.
It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.
When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.
Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.
Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.
Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.
And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:
'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'
Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.
Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.
Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.
Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.
Everything.
Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.
The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.
Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.
I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.
I just want everyone to be happy.
I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...
During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.
It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.
When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.
Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.
Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.
Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.
And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:
'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'
Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.
Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.
Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.
Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.
Everything.
Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.
The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.
Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.
I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.
I just want everyone to be happy.
I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
rain rain go away
yesterday definitely hit the top 10 in worst days of my life.
i spent 14 hours working the jones county fair in monticello. 14 hours is the longest i've been there in over a year. i now remember why.
the small town drama, the nosy people, the dirty looks i got all made me wonder if being paid to be there was even worth it.
i came back to dubuque only to find my room with two inches of water in it.
my douche bag brother had informed me it was flooding, but you know, i thought 12 hours would give him some time to actually try and clean it out. it is his house you know. i am paying rent.
i had no where to sleep last night. he decided that he had priority over me on the couch to watch the hangover full blast at 11 p.m.
i was just tired. i just wanted a little sleep.
we argued.
he called me a fat, ugly, lazy bitch.
it's like he's in high school all over again.
i slept in my car last night.
alone.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.
he wants to have a party.
i wish my 'friends' had time for me.
i want actions, not just words.
i want you to show me you care, not just say it.
i want you to show me that i am more than just some fat, ugly, lazy bitch my brother says i am.
i just want to be treated like a real person.
i just want a home.
i just want to be loved.
i spent 14 hours working the jones county fair in monticello. 14 hours is the longest i've been there in over a year. i now remember why.
the small town drama, the nosy people, the dirty looks i got all made me wonder if being paid to be there was even worth it.
i came back to dubuque only to find my room with two inches of water in it.
my douche bag brother had informed me it was flooding, but you know, i thought 12 hours would give him some time to actually try and clean it out. it is his house you know. i am paying rent.
i had no where to sleep last night. he decided that he had priority over me on the couch to watch the hangover full blast at 11 p.m.
i was just tired. i just wanted a little sleep.
we argued.
he called me a fat, ugly, lazy bitch.
it's like he's in high school all over again.
i slept in my car last night.
alone.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.
he wants to have a party.
i wish my 'friends' had time for me.
i want actions, not just words.
i want you to show me you care, not just say it.
i want you to show me that i am more than just some fat, ugly, lazy bitch my brother says i am.
i just want to be treated like a real person.
i just want a home.
i just want to be loved.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
why last night even happened
well. i found out why you didn't want to see me when you were still up late. strang spent the night.
cool.
glad you could fit five seconds of me into your schedule last night around her.
sweet.
and don't you dare every try to tell me again you miss me as much as i miss you.
i would NEVER use me being 'tired' as an excuse not to see you when there is another person who is obviously more important to me i am spending time with. not that there is anyone more important to me...
and i would NEVER blow you off.
you know i NEED you right now.
you are hurting me so much.
i feel like i am mere dirt to you and my existence and need to see you only disgusts you more.
i am so inadequate.
i guess there's a difference between how much i care and how much you care and the rift is only growing deeper...the knife you are pushing down in my back when you know i need you is only sinking deeper...
we are all going deeper, deeper...
cool.
glad you could fit five seconds of me into your schedule last night around her.
sweet.
and don't you dare every try to tell me again you miss me as much as i miss you.
i would NEVER use me being 'tired' as an excuse not to see you when there is another person who is obviously more important to me i am spending time with. not that there is anyone more important to me...
and i would NEVER blow you off.
you know i NEED you right now.
you are hurting me so much.
i feel like i am mere dirt to you and my existence and need to see you only disgusts you more.
i am so inadequate.
i guess there's a difference between how much i care and how much you care and the rift is only growing deeper...the knife you are pushing down in my back when you know i need you is only sinking deeper...
we are all going deeper, deeper...
do you even care if you hurt me?
last night i went to iowa city, hoping to see some friends. i always know that if i'm going to iowa city, i have to find a way to solidify plans because i don't want to end up driving for nothing. one of my very best college friends, bex, and i met up around 8:30 p.m. when i got there and started driving around, talking and listening to music. it's what we do.
the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.
okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.
it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.
12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.
do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?
or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?
i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...
the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.
okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.
it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.
12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.
do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?
or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?
i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
my meaning in your life
you are my best friend. i'd do anything for you: drive 100 miles to iowa city, pay you a million dollars, jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building...anything. you are the nicest person i know, i mean after all, not many can tolerate me.
i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.
but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.
you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.
and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.
i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.
when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?
the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.
i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.
until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--
i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.
but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.
you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.
and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.
i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.
when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?
the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.
i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.
until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--
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