This is a promise. A promise I am making between me and my body. A promise that will not only take me to my goals, but bring me to a healthier future. If I keep this promise, I know I will be healthier, happier and live a better life.
This is what I promise.
I promise to eat foods that reflect how I feel about my body and how I would like it to feel. If I eat trash, I will only feel like trash. I do not want to feel like trash, for I know I am worth more that trash. Eating healthy reflects the value I see in myself. I will treat my body with the utmost respect.
I promise to eat in a quantity that reflects a healthy living lifestyle. No more secret trips to the drive thru, pizza orders at 1 a.m. or entire bags of greasy chips in one sitting. I am worth more than that. I will eat the suggested serving size of everything I deem good enough to enter my body.
I promise not to drink away my calories every day. No more ‘gigantor beverages’ filled to the brim with hundreds of empty calories I don’t need. Water is my best friend. Water is the most important liquid to enter my body and is necessary to continue life functions. Soda is officially a no-no.
I promise to exercise my body as often as I can. By not exercising, I am only showing I don’t respect my body and my life. I want to give my body ample conditions to function in with ample fuel supplying it. Again, I want to respect my body and make sure it doesn’t have to work overtime in day to day activities.
I promise to stick to my goals, whether it be in the gym during a workout or when going out to dinner. I will never compromise my goals in fear of others’ judgments. No lapsing in diet routine and binging on a pizza. I am worth more than that. If I want to be treated nicely by others, I must treat my body the same way. I cannot just expect to not follow my diet or exercise plan and see results.
Changes take work.
I promise to work.
I promise to work hard.
I know this journey will not be easy and that there will be many temptations along the way, but one thing I must do every day to steer away from quitting or giving up is to ask myself, ‘Is what I’m about to do going to make me feel proud of myself?’
With everything I do, I want to be proud. Being proud of myself, proud of my body, proud of how my treat my body can only lead further success.
As each day comes to a close, I must realize the great things I have accomplished. I must ask myself, “What have I done today to make me feel proud?’ I must stay positive with my work at all times.
However, I must also understand, every day is a new day. If I mess up today, tomorrow is a new beginning, a new opportunity to challenge myself and respect myself.
If I mess up today, I will not quit.
I will not give up.
‘No day, but today.’
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
...lost in the world...
i want to have a family. a good one. one who won't look down on every action i do and actually know what i've been through.
those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.
there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.
if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.
but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.
but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.
i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.
ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.
i just hope not any time soon.... :/
those people from monticello, they are not my family. never can they be my family. i've decided all any of them are good for is money. and i don't even feel selfish about that. fuck them. nancy cannot try to care now. there is too much she doesn't know. too much she wouldn't want to know. too much she wouldn't believe. fuck that. fuck them.
there are all of these people though, people in iowa city who have gone out of their way to look out for me, but i don't know what to think. in my brain, family's are like their own elite club, something you have to be born into. you can't just love people to be in their family, and even them caring about you back isn't enough.
if i wanted to be a part of another's family, or even just live in their basement, someone would despise me for trying to become a part of their family. they would be selfish about it. i don't want to be selfish though either. i just care about people a lot. and want to kind of sort of be cared for too. wow i sound really dumb.
but i can't help it. i want to be a part of these peoples' families in iowa city, but i don't want to intrude. i don't want to be a burden. i don't want to be the same person to them i am to those self-centered ass holes in monticello. i want to be a good person. i want to be loved. i want to just have a bed and a home and people i know who love and care about me. but all of those people already have their own kids to worry about and don't want to put any extra effort or time into me.
but i would be good. i would promise to be a good person. i would come and go and not bother them and not drink or argue or do anything bad. i would be a good kid. i don't want to be a bad kid anymore. i just want to be a good person. i want to be able to care about other people and have them know i care instead of this crap where i live in dubuque, never see them, hate life, and that's that. i want to be there for them. for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if the people who matter so much to me think of me the same way. i mean like i think of rick and sophie and lisa and char and brad and frances and alex and mack and becca and everyone so much. do they think about me? do they worry about me? do they worry about me for the right reasons? i just want to be a good person, a good co-worker, a good friend, a good daughter. i just want to be enough for people. i want to be wanted. i don't want to be loathed, hated, despised, a chore, a leech. i just want to be enough. i want to be more than enough so people will never think i'm not enough like monticello thought.
i wish rick and lisa would put their basement room up for rent so i could pay them to live there. then i wouldn't think of myself as a leech or a pain or annoying. i would just be a renter. then i could think of them as family, since i did pay my 'brother' mike to live in his basement. i could mentally have family, stability, and they couldn't hate me because i would be paying them. you can't hate someone who pays you. well i mean maybe you can but not like you can hate someone who is just using what you have.
ugh. i need to figure out how to take a handout and not feel guilty and also to make rick and lisa and everyone in iowa city not hate me if i stay there all winter break. i am an annoying, messy, insufficient, lazy human. they will surely realize over time.
i just hope not any time soon.... :/
Sunday, November 21, 2010
yes. i'm still alive.
yes i'm still alive.
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.
yes i'm a terrible child....
a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.
...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?
yes i'm still a vegetarian.
yes i went to iowa this weekend.
yes i am more confused about 'family' and 'love' more than ever.
yes i must write an epic soc essay in the next 17 hours.
yes i also must lie to my spanish TA about why i didn't send her my hw when i was gone.
yes i'm a terrible child....
a terrible child that must order flowers to be delivered by thanksgiving.
...you know, it's time to thank all we have, right?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
day 6. hawkeye nation baby.
it's day six. i was just working at the sac. they drive me nuts. fo realz. but also i shall be watching the iowa game today...hope they win this one, we NEED to win this one.
it's parents weekend here. ej's parents are coming. she just got back from her night out. it's one in the afternoon. haha.
my parents aren't here.
good.
food consumption:
~12:00 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of pineapple/strawberry/yogurt/granola mix
~3:30 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of yogurt/granola
~8:00 p.m.
6 inch grilled portabella (spelling?) sandwich
1 bag o sun chips
get it.
it's parents weekend here. ej's parents are coming. she just got back from her night out. it's one in the afternoon. haha.
my parents aren't here.
good.
food consumption:
~12:00 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of pineapple/strawberry/yogurt/granola mix
~3:30 p.m.
1 bagel
1 cup of yogurt/granola
~8:00 p.m.
6 inch grilled portabella (spelling?) sandwich
1 bag o sun chips
get it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
day 5. mah' crew?
after the haunted house, a bunch of us went out to applebees. and when i say we i mean cindy and shayna from down the hall, chris from hall council, shayna's friends jimmy and another girl from plattsburg, barg, allen, and mike. many humans. HOWEVER, i'm still a vegetarian.
food consumption was as follows:
~12:30 a.m.
1 full portion of a granny smith/walnut/chicken salad with no chicken.
~1:00 p.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of yogurt/strawberries/pineapple/granola
~4:30 p.m.
1 halal jamaican veggie patty/wrap/pocket thing
1 side of veggie fried rice
~8:15 p.m.
1 banana
9:45 p.m.
1 orange
oh yeah, and yesterday, during the haunted house, i had 1.5 sodas. fml.
at least i'm still a veggie!
in other side notes:::
i'm so proud of my best friend mack from the good ol' daum-in-8 who is applying to F.I.T.! :) she's the bestest and sooooo daim talented, fo realz :)
also, i want to eat every meal and be full when i'm done, and it feels like lately i have been full on smaller amounts of food. maybe veggies are messing me up in a good way. :)
CCXCII
day 4. strange emotions.
i'm through with all this stupid friend bull shit. be good to me. for once. come on. go above and beyond, just once...well at least one can hope?
daily consumption log for day 4:
~9:15 a.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/yogurt/granola/pineapple mix
~1:00 p.m.
1 orange
~4:00 p.m.
1 plain bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/yogurt/granola/pineapple mix
1/2 cup of vegetarian chili
also, i have 1 orange and 1 banana i took from the sac...maybe i'll eat them later. or tomorrow...
you know what i do...
the haunted house was great, except i'm stained in blood...haha greeeat. i ate approx 6 fudge striped cookies. daim. and had some pretzel sticks...not so bad i guess...?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
day 3. if i was the last girl and you were the last boy, maybe then you'd look, maybe then you'd love me.
all i can think about are the things i am going to consume next.
today's consumption
~9:00 a.m.
1 regular bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/ pineapple/ yogurt/ granola mix
i've realized this fruity mix on a bagel makes them almost tolerable.
~11:30 a.m.
1 gigantor salad consisting of lettuce, honeydew melon, cantaloupe, pineapple, grapes and mandarin oranges...so basically a fruit salad with lettuce. but it was gigantor.
~2:00 p.m.
1 'protein powerbar'. i just wanna make sure i get some protein somehow. lol.
~6:00 p.m.
1 regular bagel
1/2 cup of strawberries/pineapple/yogurt/granola
1 side of potatoes. in the mashed form. there were a lot. i ate them all.
~7:00 p.m.
1 package of starbursts.
the starbursts were a bad idea. i'm so full i'm gonna vomit. which is strange because i don't think i've consumed a lot of food this afternoon. i mean, i was hungry when i went to get dinner...?
hmpf. i don't know why i keep getting bagels and fruit/yogurt. they are easy to get in the mess of humans in the sac and also take a while to consume so i don't think about food as much because it's making me content while i eat it. happier for longer. that's grood.
i wonder if normal humans think this much about food. i feel like i'm consumed by it! ahhhh!!
however... thinking back, i can remember few times when a normal dinner has made me vomitrocioiusly full. maybe that's my problem. my stomach was/is too big. or maybe i never stopped to think if i was full or not, i just ate to epic proportions and wanted to vomit. now it can only fit a salad or a bagel+fruit/yogurt. convenience at it's best.
i am a control freak...that is my problem. if i cannot control life, i can still inhale as much food as i want. someone needs to start reading this blog to hold me to the standard of being a vegetarian/being a good human in general.
i also need a scale to monitor if this vegetarian-ness is making me a smaller human. haha yes me, a scale. however, i cannot let it control me, but rather, show me the difference i am making just as it's happening. great....i hope. i just purchased one on walmart.com for $26. i NEEDED the overnight shipping. hopefully it will make it by friday. hopefully the numbers on it won't make me cry with disgust...
...i don't know.
i wish i were a baby human.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
day 2. maybe being a vegetarian will make me a baby human...
it's official. i'ma be a vegetarian. till january 1st. at least.
at least, i hope.
this is gonna be one of the biggest mental challenges i've taken on. therefore, i've decided my blog is turning into my journal o' what i consume to monitor that no baby pigs or cows are harmed during the challenge. and by harmed, i obvs mean consumed.
day 2 consumption:
~3:20 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/yogurt/granola
1 bagel
~6:30 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/pineapple/yogurt
1 veggie burger with lettuce, tomato and grilled mushrooms.
i decided to put the yogurt/granola/fruit mixture on my bagel this morning. i'm not exactly a fan of bagels, but it was pretty dec.
also, dinner was strange. i've never had a veggie burger, but i wasn't up to sculpting cubes of tofu into shrimp for mack's viewing pleasure. the veggie burger tasted like something i've had before, but not exactly sure what. maybe turkey and dressing sandwiches...which is especially strange since there was no turkey in ze veg burger. eh well. it was dec.
also, the only beverage i've consumed today is water. and also i've been carrying around my water bottle i bought from ze sac. gotta love conserving the environment.
i've realized i've been thinking a lot about what i'm gonna eat next, since it has to be meat-free. is that strange? i feel like a douche.
ehh well. all for the sake of a challenge.
at least, i hope.
this is gonna be one of the biggest mental challenges i've taken on. therefore, i've decided my blog is turning into my journal o' what i consume to monitor that no baby pigs or cows are harmed during the challenge. and by harmed, i obvs mean consumed.
day 2 consumption:
~3:20 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/yogurt/granola
1 bagel
~6:30 p.m.
approximately 4 ounces of strawberries/pineapple/yogurt
1 veggie burger with lettuce, tomato and grilled mushrooms.
i decided to put the yogurt/granola/fruit mixture on my bagel this morning. i'm not exactly a fan of bagels, but it was pretty dec.
also, dinner was strange. i've never had a veggie burger, but i wasn't up to sculpting cubes of tofu into shrimp for mack's viewing pleasure. the veggie burger tasted like something i've had before, but not exactly sure what. maybe turkey and dressing sandwiches...which is especially strange since there was no turkey in ze veg burger. eh well. it was dec.
also, the only beverage i've consumed today is water. and also i've been carrying around my water bottle i bought from ze sac. gotta love conserving the environment.
i've realized i've been thinking a lot about what i'm gonna eat next, since it has to be meat-free. is that strange? i feel like a douche.
ehh well. all for the sake of a challenge.
Monday, October 25, 2010
hm. day 1.
i think i'm gonna try and be a vegetarian.
i'm sure this won't last long.
also. i'm very concerned about winter break...perhaps i will pitch a tent in the woods here so i never have to leave/worry about winter break letting me down...
i'm sure this won't last long.
also. i'm very concerned about winter break...perhaps i will pitch a tent in the woods here so i never have to leave/worry about winter break letting me down...
Monday, October 18, 2010
if i make it through this week...
if i make it through this week, i'll be damn surprised.
spanish exam in 11 hours
3 page paper i haven't started due in 12 hours
2 bio quizzes in 14 hours
biology mid term in 17 hours
so much damn drama.
if i make it through this week, i'm celebrating. ciroc till i die.
spanish exam in 11 hours
3 page paper i haven't started due in 12 hours
2 bio quizzes in 14 hours
biology mid term in 17 hours
so much damn drama.
if i make it through this week, i'm celebrating. ciroc till i die.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
the mailbox.
every day, twice a day, i check my mailbox. i'm unsure what i'm looking for.
last tuesday, i got a letter from the bank thanking me for joining.
hey, at least it's something?
the ladies at the post office know who i am, by name. that's a lie. they know me as 'E. Felton.'
since arriving at stony brook, i've sent 7 packages, 8 letters, 5 postcards and two bouquets of flowers.
i was there three times friday.
they told me my friends in 'corral-ville' were lucky to have me. ha.
good thing they or no one else watches me religiously check my mailbox at 11:05 a.m. and 2:15 p.m. on the daily. that would be embarrassing.
i want to send an edible arrangement. i also want to pay the postman to pick up my friends and bring them here. that would be convenient.
hopefully they let me purchase that kind of service soon.
last tuesday, i got a letter from the bank thanking me for joining.
hey, at least it's something?
the ladies at the post office know who i am, by name. that's a lie. they know me as 'E. Felton.'
since arriving at stony brook, i've sent 7 packages, 8 letters, 5 postcards and two bouquets of flowers.
i was there three times friday.
they told me my friends in 'corral-ville' were lucky to have me. ha.
good thing they or no one else watches me religiously check my mailbox at 11:05 a.m. and 2:15 p.m. on the daily. that would be embarrassing.
i want to send an edible arrangement. i also want to pay the postman to pick up my friends and bring them here. that would be convenient.
hopefully they let me purchase that kind of service soon.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Comfortable with me...
since arriving in stony brook,i've decided i've changed a lot already.
in iowa, i wanted to socially make everyone happy, and it was a challenge. i had other obligations; hall council, arh, work, you know...but here, i have hall council, and i'm KILLING it. i'm hosting 5 events this semester. as a program coordinator, i'm required to do 3. guess what? i actually WANT TO DO 5! wtf okay. i think i'm on the right track to maybe (MAYBE) being an RA. that would be damn glorious.
academically, i feel like i'm doing great. maybe its because i know spanish is a guaranteed A as long as i keep working en ze SAC, but still. ugh. i'm so damn great.
also, no real humans know anything about my past here, which is glorious because i don't feel the need to tell them at all. i'll continue caring about my ic friends and doing that deal, and still rocking everything else so maybe i'll gain some respect around here! yes please!
another note, my favorite human on the face of the planet, mack, has told me she has finally found an apartment in ic and is signing the lease soon, which in itself is great for her because she needs to get out of the drama in her house and get back dt. however, the best part about it was when she asked me to come stay with her maybe over winter break! no one has ever asked me to do anything like that ever. it's like if things are going shitty for me, i a) call mike to see if demon doesn't have his couch, b) sleep in my car or c) go where the road takes me. i was planning on staying with mike so i didn't even have to address it and so also we could work on it so he can hopefully move by may, but this is way better. having friends that understand and care is way better. unsure what to do about sammy, my bro's gf, though. she's actually kind of nice sometimes, except when she gets anally clean and too uptight. overall though, this is great. i can't believe i have friend who think about me before i mention something to them. ugh yes please for being loved.
final topic of discussion that hasn't made me comfortable much or at all lately is that scotty, my ex-ish best friend from high school, is engaged with the girl he blew me off for. sweet. i can be confident in my actions and my love for my friends and how i show it but still it makes me sad/jealous to see others in love. i wish i could be loved for real for once. i mean, he screwed me over in the shittiest way after i opened up to him and now i'm unsure if i can even find love.
i've been thinking about putting out a craigslist, wutchewthink?
looking for a decent looking, funny, lovable guy who is passionate about loving a quick-witted, outspoken, overweight teenage girl and needs to be loved. weight or looks are never an issue, but more importantly are intelligence, emotional depth and understanding and the drive to love and love life.
unsure. needs work. i need work. if i had work done, i'd be wanted by more people.
god daim. so much work. it's cheaper to just do the work yourself, but sometimes, i just wanna ship it off to the shop and see what others can do to fix me.....
in iowa, i wanted to socially make everyone happy, and it was a challenge. i had other obligations; hall council, arh, work, you know...but here, i have hall council, and i'm KILLING it. i'm hosting 5 events this semester. as a program coordinator, i'm required to do 3. guess what? i actually WANT TO DO 5! wtf okay. i think i'm on the right track to maybe (MAYBE) being an RA. that would be damn glorious.
academically, i feel like i'm doing great. maybe its because i know spanish is a guaranteed A as long as i keep working en ze SAC, but still. ugh. i'm so damn great.
also, no real humans know anything about my past here, which is glorious because i don't feel the need to tell them at all. i'll continue caring about my ic friends and doing that deal, and still rocking everything else so maybe i'll gain some respect around here! yes please!
another note, my favorite human on the face of the planet, mack, has told me she has finally found an apartment in ic and is signing the lease soon, which in itself is great for her because she needs to get out of the drama in her house and get back dt. however, the best part about it was when she asked me to come stay with her maybe over winter break! no one has ever asked me to do anything like that ever. it's like if things are going shitty for me, i a) call mike to see if demon doesn't have his couch, b) sleep in my car or c) go where the road takes me. i was planning on staying with mike so i didn't even have to address it and so also we could work on it so he can hopefully move by may, but this is way better. having friends that understand and care is way better. unsure what to do about sammy, my bro's gf, though. she's actually kind of nice sometimes, except when she gets anally clean and too uptight. overall though, this is great. i can't believe i have friend who think about me before i mention something to them. ugh yes please for being loved.
final topic of discussion that hasn't made me comfortable much or at all lately is that scotty, my ex-ish best friend from high school, is engaged with the girl he blew me off for. sweet. i can be confident in my actions and my love for my friends and how i show it but still it makes me sad/jealous to see others in love. i wish i could be loved for real for once. i mean, he screwed me over in the shittiest way after i opened up to him and now i'm unsure if i can even find love.
i've been thinking about putting out a craigslist, wutchewthink?
looking for a decent looking, funny, lovable guy who is passionate about loving a quick-witted, outspoken, overweight teenage girl and needs to be loved. weight or looks are never an issue, but more importantly are intelligence, emotional depth and understanding and the drive to love and love life.
unsure. needs work. i need work. if i had work done, i'd be wanted by more people.
god daim. so much work. it's cheaper to just do the work yourself, but sometimes, i just wanna ship it off to the shop and see what others can do to fix me.....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
So the asexual thought, yeah it's over...
I am in love with my 27 year old hispanic co-worker Jose. He has 7 children with 4, perhaps 5, I forget, women. That doesn't bother me. He's DAMN sexy and also calls me 'mami' in the cutest little dominican way. However, do not fear, all dominicans, I've noticed, call everyone that.
Sometimes I wish I were actually partially dominican. First of all, I would obvs get an A in spanish without trying, not to mention they are so damn nice to each other! The SAC has basically become my second family. Who needs band when you can make money, hang out with people who are very nice to you and have no drama instead? ...not me!
I love my job. I love dominicans. I need a guy in my life. Less alone moments. More happy time.
Till then, stay gaga4gaga...
Sometimes I wish I were actually partially dominican. First of all, I would obvs get an A in spanish without trying, not to mention they are so damn nice to each other! The SAC has basically become my second family. Who needs band when you can make money, hang out with people who are very nice to you and have no drama instead? ...not me!
I love my job. I love dominicans. I need a guy in my life. Less alone moments. More happy time.
Till then, stay gaga4gaga...
Friday, October 8, 2010
I think I may be asexual. I've decided there are a multitude of reasons this is true, but also could be just a stage in the entire coping cycle of life.
1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.
2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.
love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.
sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.
god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.
but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.
maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.
hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.
i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.
1) i don't really like guys. i'm more afraid of them than anything. How can you go from one guy beating you because he can't deal with alcohol withdraw to another sexually abusing you for almost a decade to being able to trust a guy? you can't. at least not this soon.
2) i definitely don't like girls. i just want friends, girls who want to care about me and not call me fat or ugly or openly separate me from the group. that's that. is it wrong to want to be accepted? i think i feel that way because of the lack of mother figure in my life. i was never enough for nancy, and definitely wouldn't have been enough if she found out her beloved father 'loved'(?) me more than he loved her. guess what? i wish he wouldn't have loved me. i wish he would have found another way to 'love' me. maybe like a real person. maybe not by treating me like his sexual puppet and threatening me with the future of my life.
love.
for the longest time, i didn't know real love. i thought love had to be painful, but then i found it doesn't. you can make friends who can love you for who you are, what you've been through, and the scars you stare at every day because of that old 'love'. problem is: keeping them.
being 1,000 miles away is hard. i love those girls more than i've ever loved anyone in my life because they listened and they still cared. they still wanted to spend time with me and be my friend, something i was not familiar with. but now that i'm gone,i still care about them, that same love i had is still as strong, but with every passing day, it feels like they forget me a little more. i know it's selfish, but i still need them. i need them to confide in me, make me feel like i mean something to them still, show me they want me in their lives. i can only buy so many things, send so many cards, love so much, before i begin to feel completely irrelevant.
sometimes, i feel like those friends were all i had. i'm too fat and ugly to get a boy, even if i am kind of a little bit smart and really do have this great potential to love people. there is no humanly way possible they could love such a terrible person like me as much as i love them. and i wish i didn't have to cover up the raw love with being a sarcastic, loud-mouthed bitch.
god damn. maybe i'm not asexual.
but even if i was normal, no guy who would want that love inside would ever want this outside.
maybe telling myself i'm asexual lightens the blow when in 30 years i find myself alone with just a measly cat as company.
hopefully, by then they start cloning humans so i can clone myself and have friends who have this deep love for me. god damn. i love to much. i'm left with feeling completely forgotten in return.
i need to find a guy who needs someone to love so i can love them and they can love me and i don't end up 50 and alone. and quick.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Skipping ahead...
I guess I'm not going to further in depth discuss what I've done wrong this week, it's enough for now. I'm skipping ahead, and I don't think I'm the only thing these days.
On the Island, I'm pretty sure there is going to be no capris and t-shirt weather. We went from 90s to high 60s. I don't like to be cold...but I guess I'd choose it over hot any day...
Going to school here is strange. There are strange holidays observed like Rosh Hashanananana...and therefore, I didn't have class today or tomorrow. I mean it's nice being lazy sometimes, but I'd rather test myself, start learning things, see if I can actually pull my life together and succeed.
It's weird, all week I was waiting for my roommate to go home over the weekend because I don't like having a roommate. I sometimes like to lay in my bed and thing and not have to worry about her sitting at her computer on the other side of our 'wall of hate'. Problem is, now that she's gone, it's all I do. I just lay here, missing my IC friends. Kind of pathetic actually. And god damn this body pillow, if I've said it once, I'll say it again, the thing makes me feel empty inside. Sad life.
And on that same topic, I've noticed every morning I wake up and think 'hmm who haven't I talked to in the last day or so from Iowa?' and then I text them. Who am I? Should I be forgetting everyone? Should I be putting in this much effort? I feel like beyond my usual convo with Franny that goes on forever, everyday I consciously decide who I am going to text. And the worst part? I often force myself to wait to text them because I don't want to seem like a creeper...but ugh such a strange topic.
I just want them to be my friends and not forget me!
Ah I don't know. I miss them. I wish I had friends here who knew all the things about me they know and love me and respect me for the person I am. Hm. You can't make friends overnight, that's for damn sure.
However, what is for sure is that I am making new friends. I've been spending increasing amounts of time with Cathy and Emily next door and Emily's friend Rachel that lives in Kelly.
Also, Cris and I spent all night together last night listening to Jacob's radio show from 3-6 a.m. I like Cris. He's a nice guy and pretty cute too. Sad thing though, is I'm sure he just sees me as a really good friend since I'm so lax with him after we spent so much time together on drumline with all the other guy horndogs. Oh well, it's whatever, I'd rather have his friendship more than anything.
Another strange topic that has been bothering me since I got here are the bi-sexual/lesbian girls on campus. First of all, maybe it's because I'm a girl, I have no problem with gay boys wanting to rub my back or give me a hug. They are open with their feelings and if they want to give me a hug to say hello, goodbye, or I love you, I'm chill with that because I like feeling like I'm cared about, even if they are beautiful men that I wish weren't gay. lol.
However, the girls here creep me out. I've decided that because of what I've been through, how I've been treated in the past, anyone touching me, like hugging me or leaning on me or whatever who I have not established an element of trust with is something I do not like. And I've said it before, don't touch me because:
1) I am the straightest girl I know. (even if I am tomboyish, don't like to flirt with guys, don't really think about having sex with a guy when I see him or haven't even been kissed by a sober guy.)
2) I have put up walls in my life. (because of what's happened to me, how I've not really been able to trust anyone, comfortably, I get into moods when I legit fear being touched. Call me weird, fucked up, whatever you want, I just am afraid of being hurt by anyone in my life because I feel comfortable around them.)
Part of me wants to get a giant neon sign I carry around that says 'I may be fat and wear semi-tomboyish clothes to hide it, but I'm straighter than 5th Avenue, so don't touch me.' so that these girls legit leave me alone. Also, even if we are becoming friends, like Michelle and I are, if I tell you you are creeping me out when you lean your head on my shoulder or get really close to me, I mean it. Just effing leave me alone, okay? I need my space.
Which continues on kinda into the roommate situation. I have a roommate. I never have before. And it's really bothering me because I just bloody am not comfortable living in such close proximity with someone I don't know. And on top of that, can only think of a few people I am that comfortable sleeping in the same room as. (Is it wrong most are my gay guy friends?)
Hm...maybe I get along with gay guys so much because I know that they don't want to hurt me. Maybe I know they're never going to try and rape me or threaten to kill me or abuse me for years. Maybe I stereotype that they are all missing a little bit of that alpha-male complex that makes them less threatening.
I don't know. Is it wrong that I'm always thinking about how I'm afraid of people? or how I'm always worrying about money? Is it wrong to think about how you think too much?
Or better yet, am I wrong to be missing all of these people from IC and wish they were here with me, even when I know they don't want to be?
On the Island, I'm pretty sure there is going to be no capris and t-shirt weather. We went from 90s to high 60s. I don't like to be cold...but I guess I'd choose it over hot any day...
Going to school here is strange. There are strange holidays observed like Rosh Hashanananana...and therefore, I didn't have class today or tomorrow. I mean it's nice being lazy sometimes, but I'd rather test myself, start learning things, see if I can actually pull my life together and succeed.
It's weird, all week I was waiting for my roommate to go home over the weekend because I don't like having a roommate. I sometimes like to lay in my bed and thing and not have to worry about her sitting at her computer on the other side of our 'wall of hate'. Problem is, now that she's gone, it's all I do. I just lay here, missing my IC friends. Kind of pathetic actually. And god damn this body pillow, if I've said it once, I'll say it again, the thing makes me feel empty inside. Sad life.
And on that same topic, I've noticed every morning I wake up and think 'hmm who haven't I talked to in the last day or so from Iowa?' and then I text them. Who am I? Should I be forgetting everyone? Should I be putting in this much effort? I feel like beyond my usual convo with Franny that goes on forever, everyday I consciously decide who I am going to text. And the worst part? I often force myself to wait to text them because I don't want to seem like a creeper...but ugh such a strange topic.
I just want them to be my friends and not forget me!
Ah I don't know. I miss them. I wish I had friends here who knew all the things about me they know and love me and respect me for the person I am. Hm. You can't make friends overnight, that's for damn sure.
However, what is for sure is that I am making new friends. I've been spending increasing amounts of time with Cathy and Emily next door and Emily's friend Rachel that lives in Kelly.
Also, Cris and I spent all night together last night listening to Jacob's radio show from 3-6 a.m. I like Cris. He's a nice guy and pretty cute too. Sad thing though, is I'm sure he just sees me as a really good friend since I'm so lax with him after we spent so much time together on drumline with all the other guy horndogs. Oh well, it's whatever, I'd rather have his friendship more than anything.
Another strange topic that has been bothering me since I got here are the bi-sexual/lesbian girls on campus. First of all, maybe it's because I'm a girl, I have no problem with gay boys wanting to rub my back or give me a hug. They are open with their feelings and if they want to give me a hug to say hello, goodbye, or I love you, I'm chill with that because I like feeling like I'm cared about, even if they are beautiful men that I wish weren't gay. lol.
However, the girls here creep me out. I've decided that because of what I've been through, how I've been treated in the past, anyone touching me, like hugging me or leaning on me or whatever who I have not established an element of trust with is something I do not like. And I've said it before, don't touch me because:
1) I am the straightest girl I know. (even if I am tomboyish, don't like to flirt with guys, don't really think about having sex with a guy when I see him or haven't even been kissed by a sober guy.)
2) I have put up walls in my life. (because of what's happened to me, how I've not really been able to trust anyone, comfortably, I get into moods when I legit fear being touched. Call me weird, fucked up, whatever you want, I just am afraid of being hurt by anyone in my life because I feel comfortable around them.)
Part of me wants to get a giant neon sign I carry around that says 'I may be fat and wear semi-tomboyish clothes to hide it, but I'm straighter than 5th Avenue, so don't touch me.' so that these girls legit leave me alone. Also, even if we are becoming friends, like Michelle and I are, if I tell you you are creeping me out when you lean your head on my shoulder or get really close to me, I mean it. Just effing leave me alone, okay? I need my space.
Which continues on kinda into the roommate situation. I have a roommate. I never have before. And it's really bothering me because I just bloody am not comfortable living in such close proximity with someone I don't know. And on top of that, can only think of a few people I am that comfortable sleeping in the same room as. (Is it wrong most are my gay guy friends?)
Hm...maybe I get along with gay guys so much because I know that they don't want to hurt me. Maybe I know they're never going to try and rape me or threaten to kill me or abuse me for years. Maybe I stereotype that they are all missing a little bit of that alpha-male complex that makes them less threatening.
I don't know. Is it wrong that I'm always thinking about how I'm afraid of people? or how I'm always worrying about money? Is it wrong to think about how you think too much?
Or better yet, am I wrong to be missing all of these people from IC and wish they were here with me, even when I know they don't want to be?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Crash and Burn
I've messed up. Big time.
I've let you down. I've let us all down.
My conscience is killing me.
Details to come.
I'm sorry...so sorry. :(
I don't want to hurt you.
I've let you down. I've let us all down.
My conscience is killing me.
Details to come.
I'm sorry...so sorry. :(
I don't want to hurt you.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I miss you.
Sometimes, I want to write a letter to you and send it. My thoughts, everyday.
I miss you so much. You were my best friend. The closest friend I've ever had. The closest friend I've ever had that hasn't been a gay guy. It took 18 years, but you were it: the best friend I've ever had.
Sad, but true.
I don't know what I would have done without you. Would I be in New York now? Would I even be alive?
Last year, there were so many dark moments. So many times I thought to myself, I am nothing, what am I doing here? Pondered, will I ever be enough to make these people happy? to end their pain?
If I could ever have one thing in this world, it would be to make you happy. And the worst part is, I feel like you're not happy because you don't see how wonderful you are, what a great daughter, friend, and person you are.
Stop, for just one moment.
Look inside of you. You get great grades, way better than I ever mustered at Iowa. You're a beautiful girl; admit it. Look at you, and love you, for me, please. I don't think you know what it's like to be someone like me. Someone who can't even lie to themselves and pretend like they can accept what they see in the mirror. I wish you could stop hurting yourself like you do, stop worrying so much about how you look to you, but rather, see what everyone else sees.
I know you not acknowledging either of these traits isn't your fault. I see the things your mom says, and I hurt for you. It pains me to see a relationship with so much potential be hindered because of ignorance. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves a family, everyone deserves to feel like what they have is enough.
I wish you could love every ounce of yourself like I love every ounce of you.
Every night you spent doing your homework and just let me lie on your bed because I needed to be with someone, needed to hide from being alone with myself. Every day when you would text me asking such a normal question like, "dindin?" Every time I asked you to go to walmart with me. Every drive I brought you along on, you, rarely turning down the invitation.
You made me feel like you knew how I was feeling, knew I needed someone. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you were just as lonely as me and just needed someone. And if that's the case, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.
You are the smartest, most caring, loving, beautiful friend I know, and yet at the same time, one of the people I hurt for the most.
And now, I'm gone.
I'm gone and I want so much for you to be happy, for you to see yourself, for you to love yourself and to be there for you, but sometimes I wonder if you want me.
Yes, I'm happy here, ever so happy, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about you, forget all of the moments I will never forget when you were there for me when I needed you most. I want to still be there. Do you want me?
What happened with Bex, it hurts me. It hurts me because she was the one I was least worried about; I thought she was getting better.
And what happened scares me. It scares me because I love and care about you so much that when you push me away, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know if things are good or bad.
I am doing so well here. I feel so good. Everything feels so right, when just one year ago, so many things felt wrong, and what I want most is for you to be happy and if you can't be happy to just let me into your life.
To be honest, I just miss you.
I wish you missed me too...
I miss you so much. You were my best friend. The closest friend I've ever had. The closest friend I've ever had that hasn't been a gay guy. It took 18 years, but you were it: the best friend I've ever had.
Sad, but true.
I don't know what I would have done without you. Would I be in New York now? Would I even be alive?
Last year, there were so many dark moments. So many times I thought to myself, I am nothing, what am I doing here? Pondered, will I ever be enough to make these people happy? to end their pain?
If I could ever have one thing in this world, it would be to make you happy. And the worst part is, I feel like you're not happy because you don't see how wonderful you are, what a great daughter, friend, and person you are.
Stop, for just one moment.
Look inside of you. You get great grades, way better than I ever mustered at Iowa. You're a beautiful girl; admit it. Look at you, and love you, for me, please. I don't think you know what it's like to be someone like me. Someone who can't even lie to themselves and pretend like they can accept what they see in the mirror. I wish you could stop hurting yourself like you do, stop worrying so much about how you look to you, but rather, see what everyone else sees.
I know you not acknowledging either of these traits isn't your fault. I see the things your mom says, and I hurt for you. It pains me to see a relationship with so much potential be hindered because of ignorance. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone deserves a family, everyone deserves to feel like what they have is enough.
I wish you could love every ounce of yourself like I love every ounce of you.
Every night you spent doing your homework and just let me lie on your bed because I needed to be with someone, needed to hide from being alone with myself. Every day when you would text me asking such a normal question like, "dindin?" Every time I asked you to go to walmart with me. Every drive I brought you along on, you, rarely turning down the invitation.
You made me feel like you knew how I was feeling, knew I needed someone. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you were just as lonely as me and just needed someone. And if that's the case, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.
You are the smartest, most caring, loving, beautiful friend I know, and yet at the same time, one of the people I hurt for the most.
And now, I'm gone.
I'm gone and I want so much for you to be happy, for you to see yourself, for you to love yourself and to be there for you, but sometimes I wonder if you want me.
Yes, I'm happy here, ever so happy, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about you, forget all of the moments I will never forget when you were there for me when I needed you most. I want to still be there. Do you want me?
What happened with Bex, it hurts me. It hurts me because she was the one I was least worried about; I thought she was getting better.
And what happened scares me. It scares me because I love and care about you so much that when you push me away, I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know if things are good or bad.
I am doing so well here. I feel so good. Everything feels so right, when just one year ago, so many things felt wrong, and what I want most is for you to be happy and if you can't be happy to just let me into your life.
To be honest, I just miss you.
I wish you missed me too...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Empire State of Mind?
i'm in new york.
it's strange. but, i like it. but i also definitely miss my friends. (what? i have friends? excuse me??!)
part of me wants to stop seeing all of their posts on my news feed on facebook. it makes me sad i am not there.
however, i am happy about my final night in ic; about all of my goodbyes.
i was sad.
i think my friends saw me cry. that makes me happy in a strange sort of way. people need to see the real me.
mack was sad. she cried.
strike that, we cried.
i will miss her so much. and i'm unsure if i even know how to communicate that to her. she is the greatest friend i made in daum last year.
also bex and i continued our tradition of being very close friends behind closed doors. in saying that, i mean i'm unsure if mack even knows how good of friends we are or like with zo how close we have become, but we are.
i mean, we were.
before i left.
now, i am afar.
who am i?
that is for me to decide, in a world where no one knows who i am, what i've done.
i can only show who i will become.
each day, as i take on a new sun beating on my shoulders, i must take the pressure and succeed. prove i can succeed.
this is new york. i'm here. my time is now.
it's strange. but, i like it. but i also definitely miss my friends. (what? i have friends? excuse me??!)
part of me wants to stop seeing all of their posts on my news feed on facebook. it makes me sad i am not there.
however, i am happy about my final night in ic; about all of my goodbyes.
i was sad.
i think my friends saw me cry. that makes me happy in a strange sort of way. people need to see the real me.
mack was sad. she cried.
strike that, we cried.
i will miss her so much. and i'm unsure if i even know how to communicate that to her. she is the greatest friend i made in daum last year.
also bex and i continued our tradition of being very close friends behind closed doors. in saying that, i mean i'm unsure if mack even knows how good of friends we are or like with zo how close we have become, but we are.
i mean, we were.
before i left.
now, i am afar.
who am i?
that is for me to decide, in a world where no one knows who i am, what i've done.
i can only show who i will become.
each day, as i take on a new sun beating on my shoulders, i must take the pressure and succeed. prove i can succeed.
this is new york. i'm here. my time is now.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Something terrible is happening...
I leave for New York in 12.5 days. I should be so happy.
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...
During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.
It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.
When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.
Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.
Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.
Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.
And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:
'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'
Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.
Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.
Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.
Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.
Everything.
Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.
The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.
Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.
I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.
I just want everyone to be happy.
I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...
But something terrible is happening.
Well I'm unsure if we should call it terrible...
During my recent journeys to Iowa City, I've been meeting more and more of Mack and Becca's circle of friends outside of who I became friends with when living on Daum-in-8. With each new friend, I feel more and more attached to these people, this place.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm going to leave this town and actually miss people, actually be homesick. I've never been homesick before. But with each new friendship, bonds have quickly been forming, people know of me and then want to know more of me. Strangely enough, I want to open up to them in return.
It was Mack's birthday Thursday. We just chilled for a while at her house and then decided to go to the mall to get her new phone activated. While there, she got a text from Zoe, a girl who also went to Iowa who I met once or twice before who I similarly fear because I thought she hated my guts, telling Mack to come over; it was serious business. It was Mack's birthday. No matter how scared of this human I was, I was going.
When Zoe met us at her house with Iggy (again another new West High friend as of that day) I was shaking in my flip flops. I didn't know how to act; I was scared that if every movement, every breath, every sentence wasn't perfectly calculated, Zoe would think even less of me.
Quickly I fell back on my sarcasm to make it through the afternoon hanging at her house with these new friends, but then felt even more awkward when I found out she had dinner reservations for her and Mack at a nice restaurant in the PedMall. Obviously I wanted to be with Mack on her birthday and was unable to find the courage to ask if it was chill if I went too. For some reason, Zoe called and told them the reservation was for three.
Okay. I was in the clear, for now, but still concerned if she thought I was intruding on her plans with Mack for the evening.
Somewhere between the fried mozzarella and the shrimp capennelli, I began to loosen up and felt a little less afraid of Zoe. I remember thinking to myself, 'Damn this is just like me meeting the Winkler's these last few weeks and loving them to death right away.' I began to wish she wanted to be my friend like I wanted to be more than just the tag along, more than just the girl who Mack lived across from all last year.
And then she said it. Those words that made my heart bleed a tiny bit out of its seams like someone was squeezing it with all of their might:
'I wish you weren't moving away. I wish we were friends all last year!'
Some people will never realize how their casual conversations, the thoughts that they verbalize to others can really make a deep impact on people.
Zoe and I got drunk that night at Mack's while Mack read the paper and surfed the web.
Drunken me decided Zoe was someone I could trust.
Drunk me decided to tell Zoe everything.
Everything.
Part of me is so happy I have such an amazing friend now who WANTS to be my friend.
The other part just wants to climb back into the dark shadows that were strewn across Mack's yard as we sat on the curb in the moonlight that life-changing summer evening.
Zoe is real. She is a real person. She is a real friend. I want her to be happy and not feel so much pressure from rowing and her family and everything.
I want to know that she will be happy next year when I am not here.
I just want everyone to be happy.
I'm scared they will forget all that we've had together and fall into the monotony of each day. Where will I be without them? Something terrible is happening...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
rain rain go away
yesterday definitely hit the top 10 in worst days of my life.
i spent 14 hours working the jones county fair in monticello. 14 hours is the longest i've been there in over a year. i now remember why.
the small town drama, the nosy people, the dirty looks i got all made me wonder if being paid to be there was even worth it.
i came back to dubuque only to find my room with two inches of water in it.
my douche bag brother had informed me it was flooding, but you know, i thought 12 hours would give him some time to actually try and clean it out. it is his house you know. i am paying rent.
i had no where to sleep last night. he decided that he had priority over me on the couch to watch the hangover full blast at 11 p.m.
i was just tired. i just wanted a little sleep.
we argued.
he called me a fat, ugly, lazy bitch.
it's like he's in high school all over again.
i slept in my car last night.
alone.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.
he wants to have a party.
i wish my 'friends' had time for me.
i want actions, not just words.
i want you to show me you care, not just say it.
i want you to show me that i am more than just some fat, ugly, lazy bitch my brother says i am.
i just want to be treated like a real person.
i just want a home.
i just want to be loved.
i spent 14 hours working the jones county fair in monticello. 14 hours is the longest i've been there in over a year. i now remember why.
the small town drama, the nosy people, the dirty looks i got all made me wonder if being paid to be there was even worth it.
i came back to dubuque only to find my room with two inches of water in it.
my douche bag brother had informed me it was flooding, but you know, i thought 12 hours would give him some time to actually try and clean it out. it is his house you know. i am paying rent.
i had no where to sleep last night. he decided that he had priority over me on the couch to watch the hangover full blast at 11 p.m.
i was just tired. i just wanted a little sleep.
we argued.
he called me a fat, ugly, lazy bitch.
it's like he's in high school all over again.
i slept in my car last night.
alone.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.
he wants to have a party.
i wish my 'friends' had time for me.
i want actions, not just words.
i want you to show me you care, not just say it.
i want you to show me that i am more than just some fat, ugly, lazy bitch my brother says i am.
i just want to be treated like a real person.
i just want a home.
i just want to be loved.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
why last night even happened
well. i found out why you didn't want to see me when you were still up late. strang spent the night.
cool.
glad you could fit five seconds of me into your schedule last night around her.
sweet.
and don't you dare every try to tell me again you miss me as much as i miss you.
i would NEVER use me being 'tired' as an excuse not to see you when there is another person who is obviously more important to me i am spending time with. not that there is anyone more important to me...
and i would NEVER blow you off.
you know i NEED you right now.
you are hurting me so much.
i feel like i am mere dirt to you and my existence and need to see you only disgusts you more.
i am so inadequate.
i guess there's a difference between how much i care and how much you care and the rift is only growing deeper...the knife you are pushing down in my back when you know i need you is only sinking deeper...
we are all going deeper, deeper...
cool.
glad you could fit five seconds of me into your schedule last night around her.
sweet.
and don't you dare every try to tell me again you miss me as much as i miss you.
i would NEVER use me being 'tired' as an excuse not to see you when there is another person who is obviously more important to me i am spending time with. not that there is anyone more important to me...
and i would NEVER blow you off.
you know i NEED you right now.
you are hurting me so much.
i feel like i am mere dirt to you and my existence and need to see you only disgusts you more.
i am so inadequate.
i guess there's a difference between how much i care and how much you care and the rift is only growing deeper...the knife you are pushing down in my back when you know i need you is only sinking deeper...
we are all going deeper, deeper...
do you even care if you hurt me?
last night i went to iowa city, hoping to see some friends. i always know that if i'm going to iowa city, i have to find a way to solidify plans because i don't want to end up driving for nothing. one of my very best college friends, bex, and i met up around 8:30 p.m. when i got there and started driving around, talking and listening to music. it's what we do.
the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.
okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.
it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.
12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.
do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?
or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?
i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...
the friend that my last post was about had been texting me all day, and expressing her interest all week in making things better by spending more time with me. before my friend went into work at 6, i realized the process of backing out of our temporary plans had begun. she started saying she didn't feel good and was frustrated with life. needless to say, when she got off at 9, she was texting me saying she was dead tired.
okay. i'm not seeing you again. you, my best friend who i tell everything to, my best friend who i've spent no real time getting to hang out with, my best friend that i only wanted 2 seconds with, just to give you a hug and tell you that not all the world is as shitty as our friends sometimes treat you, backed out on me again. and the best part was, you were texting me till 12:30 a.m. so much for dead tired.
it's funny though, i had a good time with bex despite the fact that you blew me off. and then when you texted me at 12:30 for the last time, bex, knowing how much i care about you and just wanted to see you for like five seconds, texted you back saying i wanted to just stop by after i dropped her off and when i was headed home. i told her you wouldn't text back, you'd 'fall asleep'.
12 hours later, i texted you again after no response. funny, your response said you fell asleep.
do you know how much you hurt me when you blow me off?
do you know how much i care?
do you know how much i've been looking forward to seeing you during the last month?
do you know how much i cried on the way home because i don't understand why you can't just treat me like your other friends?
do you know that when you say you are a bad friend to me and i say you're not, sometimes, i really want to actually say yes you really are, don't you get it?
do you know how much you've hurt me?
or better yet, do you even care how much you've hurt me?
i guess it's hard to imagine the silent shadow opening her mouth and showing her tears, but truth is, sometimes the shadow grows even bigger from the tears i cry every time you hurt me more than the last. sad part is, you can't even tell, i'm all the same...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
my meaning in your life
you are my best friend. i'd do anything for you: drive 100 miles to iowa city, pay you a million dollars, jump in front of a bus, run into a burning building...anything. you are the nicest person i know, i mean after all, not many can tolerate me.
i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.
but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.
you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.
and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.
i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.
when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?
the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.
i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.
until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--
i know i'm not a good friend to you. i know i make you feel like you've failed at being a friend because i'm often a selfish bitch. i know it seems like i complain to you a lot. i'm sorry. you're the only one i have just a text message away, it seems, 24/7. i know i am standoff-ish. i know i'm not as smart as you. i know i'm ugly. i know you hanging out with me pulls down your stock in society. i'm sorry i can't be better for you. i'm sorry i can't make you happy.
but sometimes, i wonder what it would be like if we were real-life friends. you always tell me about how people are disappointed in you and that you can't make them happy, and i know that stresses you out. when you tell me that, i think about your mom and sister and our girls...and i think about all of the time they get to spend with you. all of the times you've told me about them using and abusing you because you are a dependable friend.
you know me. inside and out. things i have never told anyone before, i've managed to open up and share with you. and in knowing all of that, you should know how truly genuine i am. you should know that one of the main reasons why i want to spend time with you is because i feel like i haven't given you enough back. you've been my best friend for almost 2 years now. i want to spend time with you. i can count on my two hands the number of days we've hung out. that's sad.
and i know it's selfish of me to want more time with you, but one of the reasons i do is because you deserve better. i leave for new york in 4 short weeks. we've hung out 3 times this summer. 3.
i want you to be happy. i wish you could find time for me so i could be the best friend i can be for you, which is still way less than the friend you really deserve.
when will you see how much i really do care for you?
when will you make me feel like you actually care back?
the clock is ticking, soon i will be miles away and spending another year being one of your few friends who won't just call to complain, but continue a conversation on for months, or even years.
i know it will be hard to make myself a better friend for you. i wish i just knew what i was doing wrong.
until then, i'll continue to care about you from the shadows--
introductions are in order
i've tried writing a blog before. i never know what to say.
so here goes attempt number 3.
i feel like i've written past blogs in the hope that people can read them and see my real thoughts that go chasing through my head on their own, rather than me spilling my guts via text or on the phone on a daily basis. but i don't know how to say all the things i want to say and then be like here, check it out. that would be awkward. i am awkward. okay let's step back and i'll paint the picture of my life to you.
i grew up in a small town. i was a big personality in a small town. i worked hard, was involved in a lot of clubs and such, and did well in school. i'm a pretty smart kid you could say.
i didn't really have a lot of friends in my town. i wasn't pretty enough to be a prep, or selected to be in the tier 2 faction of the preps that was for the semi preps. i wasn't a gothic kid, that wasn't my thing. i was just me. and the only me that seemed acceptable to society was the loud mouth, the sarcastic one, the one who always pushed substitutes to their limit but in a very skilled and tactical way that would allow me to get away with it.
i liked people laughing at the things i did. if i made them laugh, it was kind of like they like me right? i guess you could say maybe, but at the end of the day, i would go home, alone. no friends would call me and ask me to hang out. i did a lot of me things because no one else wanted to do with me. and despite the fact that, looking back now, i hated that school, at the same time i loved it because being there, when people would laugh, the laughter toned out all of the bullying from upperclassmen and the things going on in my life none of those people could ever imagine.
when high school ended, i ran out of that joint. ran from the bullies, ran from all of those people who i had lived a lie in front of for 12 years.
i'm in college now. i'm a year escaped from that place. i have a few friends now you could say. a few really good friends, the ones who are just content with driving around in a car, talking about life, listening to music. and a few who i feel like i can never please.
i'm about to leave the college i went to and these people i met last year for long island, new york.
things are really starting to change.
relationships are already beginning to evaporate.
i realize i'm leaving here without really getting to spend the amount of time i'd like with a few of my friends because they never could find time for me.
in the next month, everything i've gotten to know this past year in the first real home i ever had is all beginning to shatter and fly out into the universe in a million tiny pieces in all directions.
and sometimes, i just feel like i'm along for the ride.
so here goes attempt number 3.
i feel like i've written past blogs in the hope that people can read them and see my real thoughts that go chasing through my head on their own, rather than me spilling my guts via text or on the phone on a daily basis. but i don't know how to say all the things i want to say and then be like here, check it out. that would be awkward. i am awkward. okay let's step back and i'll paint the picture of my life to you.
i grew up in a small town. i was a big personality in a small town. i worked hard, was involved in a lot of clubs and such, and did well in school. i'm a pretty smart kid you could say.
i didn't really have a lot of friends in my town. i wasn't pretty enough to be a prep, or selected to be in the tier 2 faction of the preps that was for the semi preps. i wasn't a gothic kid, that wasn't my thing. i was just me. and the only me that seemed acceptable to society was the loud mouth, the sarcastic one, the one who always pushed substitutes to their limit but in a very skilled and tactical way that would allow me to get away with it.
i liked people laughing at the things i did. if i made them laugh, it was kind of like they like me right? i guess you could say maybe, but at the end of the day, i would go home, alone. no friends would call me and ask me to hang out. i did a lot of me things because no one else wanted to do with me. and despite the fact that, looking back now, i hated that school, at the same time i loved it because being there, when people would laugh, the laughter toned out all of the bullying from upperclassmen and the things going on in my life none of those people could ever imagine.
when high school ended, i ran out of that joint. ran from the bullies, ran from all of those people who i had lived a lie in front of for 12 years.
i'm in college now. i'm a year escaped from that place. i have a few friends now you could say. a few really good friends, the ones who are just content with driving around in a car, talking about life, listening to music. and a few who i feel like i can never please.
i'm about to leave the college i went to and these people i met last year for long island, new york.
things are really starting to change.
relationships are already beginning to evaporate.
i realize i'm leaving here without really getting to spend the amount of time i'd like with a few of my friends because they never could find time for me.
in the next month, everything i've gotten to know this past year in the first real home i ever had is all beginning to shatter and fly out into the universe in a million tiny pieces in all directions.
and sometimes, i just feel like i'm along for the ride.
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